Dear Catherine, It's Me, God...

*So... did you think the last post was crazy? If you didn't read it, you must go read that first. Otherwise, this is pointless....  Ok, did you read it?  Ok, now get ready for some more crazy. Sometimes when I am writing... things come out on the paper that I did not plan to write.  Sometimes when I am on the treadmill at the gym or driving in the car, God tells me things. I have never heard him audibly but I still know he talks to me. After all, I am his daughter.  THIS is a compilation of things he has said to me in response to the compilation of my prayers in the earlier post. I told you it was crazy, but bear with me. I think you might be able to get something out of it.*


Hi Beautiful,

Remain patient. I know you are tired of hearing me say this. I know it frustrates you when you can't interpret my time table. So don't worry about it. Allow me to take care of everything. There are many factors coming into play that you are unaware of. Some of these things will be revealed in time but others will remain hidden.
I know it is hard but try not to trust your own instincts or emotions. They have become flawed by the world. Instead, seek my voice and listen to Wisdom. For you know your emotions have failed you every other time, my voice will never lead you astray.

I know you are wondering where he is or if he is currently in your life. I hear you asking, "What is my role in all of this? God, what do you want me to do? Does he even notice me the way I notice him?"

The answer has been here all along. You are my daughter and I am the King. You, my dear, do not have to do a thing. Allow me, as your father, to do everything. Any man worthy of my princess must seek me out first. I will share with him the plan for your lives. He will be overtaken by your heart and wonder because it reminds him of me. As he seeks me, I will reveal to him how to seek you.

On the days when you wonder how he will know to seek me, trust in knowing that the man I have chosen for you is full of wisdom and knows my voice.

Finally, my dear, be yourself, be yourself, be yourself! Be beautiful, be quirky, be vibrant. That is, after all, who I created you to be.

You are fun and love life. You are encouraging and loving. The man I have chosen is head over heels for you because of all of that.

When you are overwhelmed wondering what is taking him so long remember you have caught him off guard. In his eyes, you are a shooting star that just fell out of heaven and into his lap.

And Baby Girl (who knew God would call me that? I didn't), I know you want me to get started already and I have. You must remember to have respect for the long term goal. In order to finish the race, you must take every step of every mile along the way. And yes, as you know from your running experience, it requires your full participation along the way.

Princess, I am so proud of you. Keep moving forward and pursuing your calling. Keep chasing me. There is a reason you have been called to this time alone. This task requires all of you.

Love

Dear God, It's Me, Catherine

*I realize I might regret this but I believe in being honest and I really hope it can help others to be as well. This is a combination of prayers I have written and spoken. Some are from a little while back and some are more recent.*



Dear God!!!!!

      Would you please tell me what is going on?   Is anything going on?  I guess it could be nothing. You said, "Be Patient."

       You said, "I'm going to teach some men how to pursue and you are going to learn patience along the way."

        Well, I've been learning a lot about patience over the years and I'm just curious, when do the pursuit lessons begin? How long could you possibly intend for this lesson to last? I guess I don't have enough patience yet.

        You keep telling me to allow you to take care of everything but the world says I should be proactive. The world keeps telling me to take matters into my own hands. You keep telling me just to trust you. You keep trying to remind me that I can't see what you see.

         God, how will I ever learn to trust my heart? It has failed me so many times in the past. Will you give me your instincts and your eyes? Help me remember, I don't need to be his best friend. He does not need to know everything.

          God, I say I want to know what is going on but honestly, I don't. I know I whine a lot but I like it this way. It's difficult at times but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I look at it like Christmas. I know the present is coming and I know it's going to be AMAZING and I can't wait to know what it is but I really do want to wait.  I'm sorry for whining, I really do trust you to do your thing.

          In the mean time, thanks for giving me the opportunity to live in the unknown. Help me not to miss a moment of it.

                                                                                              Love, Catherine

*Be on the lookout for part two.  "Dear Catherine, It's Me, God"*


*Disclaimer: I just want to make sure I am being clear.  This is in no way a complaint that there are not amazing guys all around me. I am not whining. I am not asking for anything different. I do not want nor need a change of scenery. That would only add more guys to the list of incredible friends. I am simply being honest about something we all (guys and girls) whine about at times.*

I Am Her...

A work in progress...

I am not a porn star but my friend is.

She is me and I am her.

I have never been a stripper but my friend was.

She is me and I am her.

I have never sold my body for food or money but my friend did.

She is me and I am her.

Do you know her, my friend? 

When you see her

Remember she is me and I am her

---------------------------------------------------

She is someone's daughter.

She is precious and adored.

She was once a little girl.

She danced around the house

And dreamed of big adventures.

Today she is a conquest

An accomplishment

Helping you forget.

She paints on a smile

Plays the part you pay to see.

Gives you everything

And returns with nothing.

One Day...

One day, I will road trip across the country. I will visit Yellowstone, Boston, the Carlsbad Caverns, Chicago, Seattle and the Badlands.

One day, I will learn to sail and will spend a good bit of time just floating in the middle of the ocean.

One day, I will explore New Zealand and Australia. I will learn to surf and go black water rafting in caves.

One day, I might spend some time living in a city, like Philly or New York and I will definitely spend a summer (or more) living at the beach.

One day, I will spend at least a few months living in Italy and wandering through Europe.

One day, I will go to little villages in unknown countries and learn from their people.  One day, I will get to pour into the lives of these beautiful people.  One day, I will get to make a difference.

And one day, I will be the girl who is chosen to love. One day, I will be a wife and one day, I will be a mom.

One day sounds like a great time but I don't envy it any since before I know it one day will be yesterday. Until one day, I'll enjoy the confusion, laughter, free time, questions and challenges that come with this day.

I am....

I am a passionate woman.
I wonder if there is more.
I hear the cries of the broken hearted.
I see the desperation behind their eyes.
I want to make a difference.
I am a passionate woman.
I pretend that I have it all together and 
I feel at times I do.
I touch the stars and hope to change their paths.
I worry my efforts will be in vain.
I cry because I feel small.
I am a passionate woman.
I understand the world is broken.
I say,"There is more, so much more!"
I dream of doing something that matters.
I try to be so many things I am not.
I hope for the things unseen.
I am a passionate woman.



*When I was in college, we were asked to write an "I am" poem by following a template. I never seriously got around to writing the poem. Yesterday, I discovered my sophomores did this activity and I was really inspired by their beautiful work. It made me come home and work on it.*

"All Men Are Dogs" Pt. 2

To my Awesome and Incredible Non Dog Guy Friends All Around The World,

Because apparently some of you missed the point earlier and because I'm tired of men getting a bad rap. I would  just like to reiterate how blessed I am to be friends with you.

You are some of the greatest guys on Earth. You are genuine and pure hearted but still human. You make mistakes and let me and other people down at times (I know I do too) but your intentions are always honorable. You respect me and all of the women in your life.  You don't just believe in watching your mouth in front of women and children but at all times. You don't put on an act in this matter and I love how real that is.  You pursue a pure and honorable lifestyle even when no one is looking. That is such an attractive quality.
You not only treat me as a sister but as someone else's future wife. Your words, actions and choices show your thoughtfulness for a man, you and I most likely don't even know yet.

The world throws a lot at you, it tells you all the things that will supposedly make you a man but you laugh in the world's face because you know who you are and what you value.

Because of each one of you, the guys who have changed what I believe I deserve and what I believe is possible, the bar is constantly being raised. Thank you for that. Thank you for valuing the women in your life.

You have no idea what it means to us!

Love,
Catherine

P.S.
And for those of you who brought up the different breeds of dogs, a dog is still a dog and "No, I do not want a Poodle or a Pomeranian. I want a man! And no, I do not want a pit bull, that is also not a man."

P.P.S.
And just so you know you guys crack me up and I love you!

"All Men Are Dogs"

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this phrase or even how long I believed it.  I can, for some strange reason, remember walking down the street in late elementary school and my dad saying it.  He wasn't the first to say it and he wasn't the last. 

For years, I just accepted this statement as the truth.  It wasn't long before I began reading between the lines to the hidden messages this joke insinuates, "All men are dogs = All men think and care about is sex, boobs, porn and maybe food.  This is common knowledge about men, they are simple and this is all that matters to them.  Don't ever think of expecting anything more than this from them."

Unfortunately, the message I, and so many other young girls and women, began to believe was, "Don't expect anything from men." and "If you have boobs and a nice butt you are worth something to them. So use it.  Use it to gain attention, use it to gain control, use it to receive love and affirmation. Use it." 

What happens when a girl grows up believing "All men are dogs"?  It is really quite simple, she expects little or nothing from men.  She doesn't expect to be respected or honored because she has never been shown what it looks like or been shown that she deserves it.  She doesn't know to create high standards of expectation because she doesn't know there is something better to wait for.  She doesn't know the value of remaining pure when every guy she meets tells her and shows her there is no value in it.  When you grow up believing "All men are dogs" you do not know that it is okay to desire something more, to expect more. 

When you believe that "All men are dogs" you may believe that you deserve something better and you very likely will want something better, however you will never believe that you can have something better because you believe that all men are the same and that "something better" does not exist. 

I wish thirteen (to nineteen) year old me knew what I know now.  I wish thirteen year old me knew "Not all men are dogs" and that one day she would meet some incredible guys.  Not just incredible guys to date (there have been two or three of them and I love them dearly!) but incredible guys to play the role of father and grandfather, incredible guys to play the role of a big brother or little brother, incredible guys to be uncles and incredible guys to model the role of a husband.  I wish thirteen year old me knew not to waste my time, energy or heart on the dogs.  I wish thirteen year old me knew to relish in the expectancy of what was to come. 

A Side Note

The fact of the matter is, some men really are dogs and just don't care.  Others are dogs just because they think that is what makes them a man.  They are believing the lie, "all men are dogs" in a way similar to the way women are believing it.  I am not an expert on this part because I am not a guy.  If any of you who are men want to share something from that perspective, I would love to hear it. 

I also realize that some men might be asking the question, "Am I a dog?" or denying the fact that they are dogs by comparing themselves to a bigger dog.  I'm not going to get into this right now but just realize, you are probably only fooling yourself.

 

A Challenge

If you are a guy, I have some questions for you. If you are a girl, your challenge is in the next paragraph.  Men, what are you doing to prove to the women around you (daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, cousins, coworkers and supermarket clerks) that "Not all men are dogs"?  What are you doing to protect their hearts? Remember, no one ever follows the old saying "Do as I say, not as I do" and it is proven that "Actions really do speak louder than words." If you tell your daughter or sister not to settle for a dog but you yourself are behaving like a dog, you can guarantee she will settle.  Show her what to expect through your values and actions.  Something that really scares me about some men is that you just might be ok with your daughter picking a dog because if she found someone to cherish and respect her, you would feel convicted and challenged.

Ladies, are you honoring the men (who are not dogs) in your life?  Are you taking the time to appreciate them?  Do you realize how hard they work to honor and respect you, to fight off the messages that the world sends them?  They aren't immune to the temptations of the world and they aren't wimps but they choose something better out of love and respect for you and me. As they struggle with the temptations that the world throws at them, are you working against them or looking for ways that you can make it a little easier?  Telling dirty jokes, dressing in skimpy clothes and picking out inappropriate movies are all ways we make life more difficult for them.  Don't let their efforts and beautiful hearts go unnoticed.


Finally, don't allow the girls and women in your life to continue believing "All men are dogs".  We so often get annoyed with guys that we say things we don't mean while talking to our girlfriends. Beware of the messages that your words are sending out not only to your friends but to listening ears. 
 

True Story

A while back I was riding in the car with my Aunt and her three youngest children.  At the time they were three, seven and nine.  The two oldest are girls.  I happened to be complaining to my aunt about this guy I was talking to and how confusing he was being.  In a joking but frustrated way I concluded my rant with an exasperated, "I don't know. Boys are just stupid."  Right then and there, my seven year old cousin replied, "That isn't nice, Catherine.  You shouldn't call people stupid." 

Talk about a slap in the face. Just as much as I would never want my little cousins to grow up believing the generalization that "All guys are dogs," I wouldn't want them thinking that "Boys are just stupid." I want them to grow up honoring men, their brothers and their father.  I want them to see the talent behind these men and how hard they work. I also want them to honor and respect their classmates.  I don't want them to grow up thinking they are better or smarter than anyone else.  I am so thankful that she responded to my statement in the way she did.  If she had not, I might not have realized the messages I was sending out.

Thank You

Finally, I just want to say thank you to all the guys who have been part of recreating my image of men.  You are AWESOME and you are greatly appreciated! If it wasn't for you, I would still be believing a lie.  I love you all! 



Ten Years Later...

I am a very sentimental person.  I love looking through old pictures and journals or reading notes that I passed with my friends in high school.  I love reminiscing and I just want to cherish every experience and laugh with the people who are part of those memories.  But people are important to me and no matter what, I am still a “remember when” type of girl.  At times, I have even been mistaken for living in the past when really I just appreciate my life experiences so much that I do not want to forget them and I appreciate each one (even the tough ones).

So naturally, I often randomly think about what my life was like five or ten years ago.  It just so happens that now, this weekend, the thought holds a stronger significance.  Where was I on September 11^th, 2001 and who was I?   I can’t say that I was personally impacted or knew someone who was impacted but I can look at what I learned about myself and people through the experience. 

I’d been in high school for just over a month and had so much to learn.  I was insecure and completely oblivious. I had only been living in the south for a little over a year and was still getting used to the different culture and belief systems (but that, my friends, is a whole different topic).  Although I was only 14, I had already bought into the lie that my value and significance came from guys.  If guys (even ones I didn’t like and found to be annoying) paid me attention, if they were trying to talk to me or get me to date them, then it gave me power and a sense of being worth something.   I was worth time and energy, I was desired and I was wanted (even if it was just to show off).  Man, was I a dope!

So on September 11^th, I went to school like every other day.  My first class was Russian from 8-9:30.  We were in the 800 building (a building that as far as I know no longer even exists) at A.C. Flora High School in a classroom the size of a closet.  Louis, Molly, Jamie and Brandi are among the people I remember being there with me and we were cut off from the world, completely oblivious of anything that was going on around us.  At 9:30, we switched classes and there was a buzz in the air.  Something was off but we still had no clue.  Math with Coach Jackson began at 9:36 and I walked into the room completely unaware of why the television was on and the Coach was just sitting at his desk staring into space.  People weren’t quiet but they weren’t loud, they were just sort of fuzzy.  Some, most likely the ones who actually understand, were extremely shaken up while others, more like me, just couldn’t seem to grasp what the big deal was.  

I was fourteen years, selfish and unaware, living in my own little world.  I sat at my desk with two of my closest friends, Rey and Joseph, as people whispered about the images on the TV screen mounted above the door.  I was being told that an airplane crashed into a tower in NYC and another crashed into an important government building in Washington D.C.  I feel like an idiot now but I just didn’t get it.  I couldn’t comprehend someone doing this on purpose.  The terms “hijacked” and “terrorist” meant nothing to me. I didn’t understand someone had done this deliberately, I also didn’t understand that there were people on the planes or that there were thousands of people in those buildings.  My brain wasn’t processing that.  I only saw it as an accidental fire and I couldn’t understand why this was news to stop school, didn’t planes crash all the time?  But then, another plane came crashing in and I understood it wasn’t an accident.

Coach Jackson kept picking up the phone and trying to make a phone call but it wasn’t going through.  Our big, funny, tough guy teacher was terrified and we didn’t know why.  We later discovered that his sister worked next door to the Pentagon and he couldn’t get her to pick up her phone.

I don’t remember anything else from the school day.  My memories from math class are vivid but the rest of the day is a blank.  I imagine we must have continued to watch the news and discuss it in my other classes, especially since they were ROTC and History. 

Now that I think about it, I probably don’t have any memories from History class because the boy I liked was in that class and I can tell you for sure that he was just as stupid as me.  Not one of us had a clue about the significance of that day.  Or maybe he did but he just really didn’t care.  It is hard to say but I do remember sitting on my front porch that night talking to him on the phone.  He told me that his little sister (who was a year or two younger than me) was glued to the television and she was “making this huge deal about everything”.   As he mocked her, I remember feeling as if I knew better, that his words were cruel and that I would be much better off watching the news than talking to him.  But I continued right along with my conversation and even pulled the “so when are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend already?” card.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen; I was so self-absorbed that in the midst of destruction, heartache and devastation I felt it necessary to get this boy that I had been flirting with to be my boyfriend.  I am ashamed to say that my biggest care of the day was whether we would officially start dating.  It was all about me. 

Now ten years later, I don’t know that girl anymore.   That relationship only lasted about a month but it was one of the ugliest experiences I have ever had with a guy.  I wish I could tell you I got a clue right after that breakup but I didn’t.  The experience only added fuel to the flame of the lies I believed about my worth.  It has been ten years since September 11^th, the first five years I spent believing lies about how little I was worth and learning to dream small so as not to be disappointed. The five years after that were spent uncovering the truth about who I am, learning to identify lies and counterfeit thoughts and discovering what I was created for and where my purpose and value comes from.

At times I can still be pretty selfish but I have learned to look out instead of in.  Now, my greatest pleasure does come from serving those around me.  I have found that through reaching out, I form the greatest bonds and memories.

I realize this is not the typical September 11^th but I wasn’t directly impacted and I will not pretend I was. That would be wrong.  However, I am an American and this is my redemption story.

Be Naive!

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

-Unknown

Part II

Remember when you were a kid and you used to dream about being an astronaut, princess, football player, acrobat or ________? Remember when you didn't understand logic and you would simply ask, "WHY?" because you didn't like something about the world? Remember when you had simple solutions to the world's biggest problems because you just didn't think things needed to be that complicated.

As I was saying in my previous post, "Do You Enjoy It?" the above quote always makes my insides scream for something more.  It makes me want to dream for more, to expect more and to live more. I also can't help but wonder if we have come to a point where we no longer allow ourselves to dream, question and ask, "what if" because we are afraid of being hurt when things don't work out, we are afraid of taking risks, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the free fall, afraid of tripping and getting scraped up, afraid of failing.

Do you remember when you would get frustrated with the adults who told you that you were just being "naive" or that "one day you would understand"?  Do you remember when you used to look at adults and wonder why they seemed so hopeless, why they never dreamt? Do you remember promising yourself that you would never become like them, that you would never stop dreaming, stop trying to change the world?  What happened?
So now I will ask you again, "What would you attempt to do if you knew  you could not fail?"  Would you really just fly around?  What if the question was that you could do ONE thing without failing, what would it be?  Would you try to meet someone or tackle a large issue? How would you use your one thing to change the world?   How would the world be different?  What if we began thinking like children again? What if we took back our naivety and took on the world?  And what if these weren't just "what ifs"? What if we all had the ability to do one thing without failing? And what if we actually acted on it?

Do You Enjoy It?

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

-Unknown

Part I

I recently posted this question as a status update on Facebook.  The responses I got were pretty tame. Some people said things like, "Fly" or "Anything, just because I could" while others simply "liked" it.  I remember feeling a little disappointed that not one of my friends even dared for a minute to think outside the box.  I knew it was simply just another sentence on their news feed but I was disappointed because it made me feel like I was the only one who's insides were screaming for something more.   

I can't help but wonder if we have come to a point where we no longer allow ourselves to dream, question and ask, "what if" because we are afraid of being hurt when things don't work out, we are afraid of taking risks, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the free fall, afraid of tripping and getting scraped up. 

Or is it that we've become too busy? Are we so wrapped up in our everyday lives, in all the things that are so important to us that we don't even have time to appreciate them?  I have this friend who is extremely talented, passionate and hard working but lately it seems that his life has been overtaken by all these things he "has to do," things that he loves and things that he has chosen for his life but at the same time something just seems off.  I recently asked him, "Do you enjoy it?" and at first his response made me feel a little better, "Deep down I am. It's just hard to realize because of everything else." But some time later I began to feel like something was off with that answer.  You see, here is this guy who is "living the dream," setting himself up for a successful future and doing things he always dreamed of but he can't fully enjoy because he is stretched out in so many different directions.  What good are blessings if we have turned them into burdens? What good are these blessings if we can not fully engage in them because of all the other responsibilities in our lives that we are afraid to let go of?

Individual blessings usually come along only for a period of time (some longer and shorter than others).  For example, college, jobs (and unemployment), trips, relationships (even the different stages of relationships), babies, children, vacations, living in a certain area, engagements, weddings, etc.  And I can't help but feel like most of the time we allow ourselves to be robbed of the pleasure God intends for us to find in that blessing because we don't make it a priority.  We often recognize the blessing but then put it on the same playing field as every other aspect of our lives.  We practically make it mundane.  We even say things like, "Oh, this is going by so fast." or "I wish I had more time or energy to focus on _____." But we do nothing about it.  We don't sit down and make a plan.  We don't look at the different stories our lives are writing and decide which ones need to be cut out (Thanks, Caleb for this line).  We just keep on going.  We tell ourselves to enjoy the moment, to live in it and not rush but our actions say otherwise. 

So now, I have to ask you a question, "Are you enjoying it? Are you glad you are doing it?" If your answer isn't "YES!", if your answer is more like, "Yes, but I hardly realize it" then PLEASE stop and do something about it.  Make some changes.  Do something different, step back from something if you need to.  Take control of your schedule and manage your time better.  Do something different so you can enjoy the blessings you have been given right now.  Because before you know it, they will be gone. 

 Just A Little Something Extra....

Are you a newlywed couple that just can't wait to have kids? Why? Do you realize you have your whole lives ahead of you? Have you taken the time to enjoy your spouse and this season of your lives together? If you can't figure out how to enjoy them how will you ever learn to truly enjoy your children? You only get this season of your life once, don't rush through it. Don't forget to enjoy it.

Are you engaged? Why are you rushing everything? Why do you feel the need to get married yesterday? I understand you are excited, believe me I do and I am sure I would be right there with you but seriously, you only get this ONCE! Relish in the moment. Be excited! Live out each moment and experience it fully. This is your time.

Oh, college student! My goodness, enjoy it! Go to class and LEARN! Take advantage of all the opportunities in front of you. Meet people! Leave your shell and comfort zone behind and build relationships. Quit counting down the days and years till graduation. You only get this once, appreciate the people around you and go crazy!

And to "all the single ladies (and gentlemen)," can we please just relax? We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. I know the child in you is feeling "SO OLD!" but seriously we are in this season for a reason and there is still so much fun to be had! Let's embrace it! Let's learn to enjoy every aspect of it (including the Friday nights at home and wedding invites with no "plus one") so that when the next blessing comes along we will be ready for it, we will know how to embrace and appreciate that season.


(A few weeks later:  Just read this article from Relevant and thought it really applies to this topic.   http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/26793-the-pride-of-busyness)

If Your Life Were A Movie...

Person #1: "How was the movie last night?"

Person #2: "It was good. We enjoyed it but the plot really wandered at times...  It was worth watching but was missing something.  ...It wasn't worth five stars and well, I wouldn't really give it four stars either.  I guess it would be three stars.  I liked the storyline, it just wandered..."

Sounds like a pretty average conversation, right? But just this once something jumped out at me. After hearing her response, I thought, "WOW! Isn't that life?!"

How many people are settling for a "three stars" kind of life? It isn't really bad but it isn't really great.  It's just ok enough to get comfortable.  If it was bad, we might actually be motivated to do something about it. And if it were really great, we would be out shouting about it like we do with all the great films we watch.

Think about what is happening when the plot of a movie wanders.  The storyline is missing the point and straying from fulfilling its purpose.  Is the storyline of your life wandering?  Are you missing the point or are you fulfilling your purpose? How many stars would your film receive?

".... A Fun New Journey!"

Don't you love when Facebook pops up with an old status update in your side bar? It almost always makes me smile. Today, it gave me my status from one year ago (August 22, 2010). I had just moved back to NJ after being away for ten years and was experiencing my first Sunday away from The Grove.
           
Upon the suggestion of my Aunt I went to visit a church she suggested that morning. Maybe my guard was up, maybe it was just too soon, maybe I was being extra critical because I know what I like and don't like about churches or maybe it just wasn't the right time. For whatever reason, my insides didn't scream, "THIS IS IT!" when I walked in the door or at all while I was there. People were nice enough, I introduced myself to the Senior Pastor and he was very genuinely excited to meet me. He insisted his wife would love to meet me as well but was unfortunately in a meeting. Instead he introduced me to his daughter who was also really sweet and I knew I could be friends with her. But off I went, disappointed that I hadn't found the church for me.

Playing in the snow with some of
my favorite Grove women!

As I returned home from church, I began receiving text messages from friends at The Grove in response to the "What's Happening At The Grove" video featuring my goodbye.This only made me miss my normal Sunday routine more, my "Monkeys" and "KangaRoos" (their smiles, giggles and cries), the specialty coffee bar, David King and his smile at the back door as Jodi and I wander around trying to remember all the random little things we think we can leave till the last minute, Leroy and Fannie stopping by my desk with trays of pastries as they come upstairs from the kitchen to stock the coffee bar, fighting Jeff for the opportunity to use the printer and copier followed by a sarcastic comment of some sort which really means how much he loves having me on the team, Autumn and Eliana, followed by Greg and Paula (insert the names of any family with a toddler here) coming down the hallway as they announce Emma Grace has wandered off again, all soundtracked by the amazing group of talented musicians practicing down the hall.

I can't imagine my life without these
beautiful and inspiring women!

I reminded myself in that moment that The Grove is unique and the relationships I found there could never be replaced but that at the same time I knew God had called me to NJ and it was time to move forward and trust him. So at 11:54am, I updated my Facebook with the following, "missing the Grove this morning but trying really hard to be open minded." Among the many responses was this note from my dear friend, Sarah Speier, "You are on a fun new journey! ENJOY IT!"

Well, it is now a year later and I can announce that it truly has been an amazing journey! Almost every expectation I came with has been shattered but I am in no way hung up on that. After that Sunday, I decided to just attend my Aunt's church until I figured out where I needed to be. I always knew it would be temporary but I felt like it was important to get plugged in with people while I was there. I made some amazing friends during that time and was so amazingly challenged and encouraged by so many beautiful people. The message each and every week was right on target with the challenges I was facing and I was able to just soak it all in and get charged for my week. God was definitely at work through it all but it was just a layover, not my final destination.

On a Friday, in late October, almost exactly two months after first visiting, I felt that I was supposed to go back to that first church. So... off I went. I can't say anything profound happened that day. But I believe there are two things that spoke to my heart and said, "This is where you belong." The first is that an usher sat me in the second or third row and these girls (I am pretty sure they were teenagers, sitting in the front row) realized I was sitting alone and decided to make me sit with them. I have no clue who they were and at first I was a little thrown off by the fact that they were so young but in the end I was just impressed by their boldness and excited spirits. The second defining moment was when the Senior Pastor saw me and gave me a big hug. I realize to many people this may sound strange and I don't necessarily believe he hugs everyone who visits once and returns two months later but he is an old friend of my Aunt and Uncle so I think that is why I got a hug. But for me, that hug said a lot.

Just two months earlier, I had walked away from more than just a church, a job or some friends. I had walked away from a family. I had brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, moms and dads, grandfathers and grandmothers. I had people who valued me and loved me unconditionally. I had people who challenged me and saw past my flaws. And I had DADS, men to encourage and cherish, to serve and to exemplify Christ. Because of my background, because that was something I did not grow up with God used the faithful men at The Grove to fill that void. But amongst all of that, I also played a role. I was a sister, a daughter, an aunt, granddaughter and strange as it sounds, even a mom. And although I had been making friends and being encouraged at my aunt's church I still felt like just another face in the crowd.  I still felt like someone attending an event and I wasn't sure what more my role there was.  As I said before I love these people (it just wasn't where I was supposed to be) and I found friends in the crowd but I did not find brothers and sisters.  I didn't find moms and dads, grandmothers or grandfathers and well, the only aunt and uncle I found were really my aunt and uncle.

When I received that hug, I was acknowledged and welcomed. It said, "You mean something, you are valuable, we want you here and there is a role for you here." I can't say anything dramatic happened right away but I knew that was where I was going to be on Sunday mornings. A week or two later I attended a women's event and was introduced to a lot of people and slowly began to build connections and get involved with a reality group and a team. I've now been a part of True North for almost ten months and at times it almost makes me sick to think about how blessed I am.  After such a bizarre year, I find myself with even more joy and that is crazy!

So many people are missing out on the best life has to offer, they are sleeping through life or as my good friend, Katie (yeah, the Senior Pastor's daughter that I knew I could be friends with) would say, "They are zombies. Not dead but not alive. Just walking around bumping into things." They have no real direction, purpose, excitement or passion.




I'm blessed to be living this life! I got to spend five weeks back in May and June at The Grove visiting my NC family and working with my old team. It was a beautiful blessing that added to my year but the most exciting part was knowing that while I was enjoying every millisecond there I had another incredible family up in NJ waiting for me to return. The Grove is not True North and True North is not The Grove.

At True North, I'm getting to be a little sister, a big sister, a daughter and a friend. I have people speaking into my life and I have the opportunity to speak into other's lives. I'm surrounded by men and women (really young, sort of young and old) who LOVE Jesus and pursue him on a daily basis. Their faith is alive and a part of their everyday lives. I am surrounded by people who are LOVING life. For us it isn't about striving to survive, it is about enjoying every moment, not wasting a blessing, living fully aware! I'm blessed to have these people walking alongside me, lifting me up when I'm hurting, encouraging and challenging me with deep conversation and cracking me up on a regular basis.  The struggles still come, the questions and worry still creep up but none of that competes with the joy that comes through fully and actively engaging in life.

As the blessings continue to exceed my expectations I can't help but wonder, "What will Facebook be saying another year from now?" 

I love you all and I am so thankful that I get to experience life with you! 

"You will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."  John 16:22

For Brandi and Ben

Just two weeks ago, I was standing in front of a casket that held the body of my best friend. It barely looked like her and that only made me angry. I'd just driven almost twelve hours, alone in the car and I couldn't figure out what I was expecting to find or receive when I got there. I was so angry standing in that room filled with strangers, there were so many strange faces floating all around me. Even while clinging to the strong arm of a devoted friend I had to do everything in my power to keep from screaming out in anger and loneliness, "Who are you people?! Why are you here?! Did you even know this girl, I mean did you REALLY know this girl? Did you know even one thing about her heart, her passions, her journey? Did you sit back and watch as her heart was breaking? Did you do anything about it? Did you even try? Who the heck are you and why are you here?"

But clearly one can not behave like that in public so instead I ran away. I allowed myself to cry momentarily in a back hallway of the funeral home and then I reemerged with my big girl, "everything is going to be ok," game face on. Why? I don't know. I guess because the event was making me (subconsciously) regress to high school, a time that I always felt I had to have it all together, I couldn't let anyone know the tragedies that were taking place behind my smile, people thought I knew what I was doing and who was I to tell them other wise. I had to be the responsible one, the calm one, the one people could depend on.

Why!? Why are we always so afraid of making a scene? I'm not saying I should have been allowed to yell at all those people but maybe I should have given myself some sort of grace, to have taken off my mask and bawled my eyes out on the floor by her side, to have apologized for all the ways I failed her over the years, all the times I was selfish and didn't get around to returning her phone calls, for not fighting harder for her and to apologize for not having any clue how to now protect her beautiful baby boy. I should have let it all out right then and there in front of all those strangers but instead I ran away.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know how to accept the cold, hard truth so I got in the car, went to dinner and ate LOTS of Italian food and wine because I know how to eat (and yes, I even danced a little), that is easier than attempting to sort out my feelings. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions or the situation. I ran away to a place that I did not have to be responsible, where I wouldn't have to think about it.

While back at home, in NJ, my beautiful friends made it their mission to continually pursue me, encourage me and support me through phone calls, text messages and facebook. My core group of friends stood by me and refused to let me struggle alone.

I'm still experiencing moments when I feel the urge to call her and tell her something random, I still occasionally start laughing as I think of things that only she would think are funny. I shake my head and laugh at the stupid and idiotic things we did in high school and I still continue to dream about her beautiful face and life and I pray that these memories never go away.

Now, two weeks later, some of my dear friends, many the same ones who have been working so hard to encourage me, are experiencing their very own personal tragedy, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of their good friend, Ben.

Although I never knew Ben, my heart is breaking for his life cut short, his family and his friends. I have found no explanation that lessens the struggle, I have found no specific words that make me feel better but I've discovered how strongly a friend's love can light up your life. This is my thank you to each of you who have poured out your love on me in the last two weeks. It has made all the difference. And now if I can do the same for you please let me know. And if you can learn from my mistakes, please do. You do not need to be strong (God is enough for the both of you), you do not have to have it all together (it only makes others feel that they should too), don't worry what others will think when you are vulnerable, cry (even when people say don't) and celebrate every good memory!


Originally written on August 23, 2011

Boardwalk Talk (Part One)

The other night I was walking on the boardwalk with my cousin. I happened to mention that my idea of a great date would be a guy taking me down the shore, eating pizza (and other goodies) on the boardwalk and then going miniature golfing. Then we laughed because that was what we were doing, minus the mini golf.

Later on, as we walked I was commenting on how important it is for girls (especially young ones) to feel desired and cared for by the men in their life (brothers, dads, cousins, etc) and the role rejection and abandonment can play in their lives. We then began talking about how close the two of us were growing up and all the riduculous games we played.  I jokingly said, "Yeah, we were so close for the longest time and then you just left me behind (when you became a teenager)." He responded with, "Oh, is that why you are such an awkward dater now (this was in response to an earlier conversation about my goofy, nonexistant love life)? I didn't realize that abandoning you would have that affect on you? Maybe this fake date will fix your problems."

So as hysterical as this is I would like to take a moment to encourage all the men out there to really make sure you are fighting for and supporting the women God has placed in your lives, especially sisters, cousins and moms. The truth of the matter is that we need you! We learn what to expect and what standards to set from the men we are closest to.

P.S. Ant, I don't blame you for my awkwardness.   :)

God's Story VS. My Story

(This is another one written from my phone so please forgive the grammatical errors)

For years I've felt like I'm supposed to write a book. As much as I don't feel like a writer I've felt called to share my story. I've struggled many times to begin writing. I've written various introductions and I've had many conversations with God asking Him, "How am I supposed to do this? I'm not a writer!" And even bigger than all that, "God! How am I supposed to write about this topic, these things when I haven't even conquered it/them myself yet?"

Here are some conclusions that I've come to....

Number One:
God said, "You will write a book". He never said, "You will write a book today." My story isn't finished yet. He isn't finished yet. He's still writing the story and I can't write it until he has revealed it to me and equipped me to write.

Number Two:
It's okay that I'm not the expert on anything. The calling in my heart is to tell MY story and on that I am an expert (sometimes). My story like so many other women's is one of vulnerability, of weakness, of tears and confusion, of struggle, pain and heartbreak. But also joy and laughter, of hope and encouragement. My story is a battle, my story is one without answers, my story is a victory. My story is just that, my story.

Number Three:
Sometimes the story we want to write is not the story God wants to write. I mean this in the literal sense and also in the metaphorical sense. First, I've been trying to write this book, trying to piece it all together, assuming that I know the point the story should make but really if I step back for a moment I realize that God didn't reveal that to me yet, I just went running ahead.  And metaphorically, it's almost exactly the same. I go through life and God gives me one clue, one piece of the puzzle (with school, friends, jobs and guys) and I get so excited that I immediately begin to run ahead (can somebody say this girl needs patience and pacing!?!) without the rest of the information, without instructions, without God!!

I'm like the little kid in class (here comes Ms. Smith) that as soon as the teacher introduces the project they are immediately tearing things apart, cutting, gluing, writing, etc. The kid often doesn't even hear the first word of the instructions and then they wonder what went wrong or say, "But you never told me that!" And of course the teacher says, "If you had been listening you would have heard me say it twice." It usually takes the kid a few times to learn their lesson. Maybe now after a few "screwed up projects" I'm learning to have patience and find a balance between the excitement and waiting for instructions.

So whether you're literally writing a book or if you're just not sure what the next step is in life remember that sometimes the story we want to write is not the same one He wants to write. My advice to you (and myself) is to aim for the one he is writing. I've always found he does a much better job than me.

The Story of Your Life

The Story Of Your Life - Matthew West

Is this the end? Or only the beginning?
The second chance you never thought you'd get.

The question is, "Will you do something with it
Or spend your days lost in your regret.

This is the story of your life
You decide
How the rest is gonna read.
This is your chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy you leave.
This is the story of your life
And it's a story worth telling.

Breathe in deep.
Feel your heart still beating.
Let's go see the reason you're alive.
Oh, you are here
And love is up to something
So take your fear
And leave it all behind.

This is the story of your life
You decide
How to rest is gonna read.
This is your chance between the lines
To redefine what kind of legacy you leave.
This is the story of your life
And it's a story worth telling.

This is the joy
And it's the pain
And all the pages in between.
Your finest hour
Your weakest moment
It's where you've been.
It's where you are.
It's where you are going.

Seek Me and You Will Find Me...

Sorry about the typos... I wrote this on my phone while at the beach.

"You will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."
John 16:22

I feel bad for people who believe this world was all an accident, that it just appeared for no reason. They must miss some of the wonder of it all. I don't care how beautiful you think something is, I don't believe you can truly appreciate, truly see all of its beauty and character if you don't know the one who made it.
All this noise, the wooshing and the crashing of the waves might seem chaotic to some. For me, it is calming. It is the perfect example of everything working in harmony. How do the tides work? Why do the waves crash where they do?

I can stand here completely still and just stare. The wind blowing around me, the sand between my toes, heels sinking deeper and I forget all about the chaos in my life. I no longer question, "What comes next?" or "Why did that happen?" The sun is making its way down. The tide is coming in (or going out I don't really know), everything is doing exactly what it should be doing. Nothing is stopping to say, "Hey God, are you sure you still want me to do this?". All of nature is at peace, each piece knows their part and for this moment I am a piece of it. The waves hop forward as if to say, "We are glad you joined us."

I came here in search of answers (I was in the gym and felt the call so I got in the car and drove). I didn't actually get any, but I find myself at peace again because God arranged a beautiful date just for me. Just like me, God wants to be pursued. He wants us to search him out. When we seek him with all of our hearts we find him. I didn't get any answers because I don't need them but I am fulfilled because I had the chance to sit at my creator's feet and absorb his love.

Interestingly enough, as I was driving home He gave me a verse which I think sort of has an answer to my questions. It is one that I have heard and read 100 times but I felt His heart this time and new words stood out to me, "For I know the plans I have for you. Says the Lord. Plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO HARM you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."

I've never doubted that God had a plan but it was nice to be reminded that the plan is to prosper me and not to harm. It was comforting to know that in the midst of all my questions about his plan that He promises me a prosperous future filled with hope.


This old man walked by as I was sitting there. 
He insisted that I have a picture of myself because my

friends would never believe I was barefoot.



The Best is Yet to Come...

Sometimes things happen in life that we just don't understand.  Last summer, I was so sure that God was leading me to take that trip.  Everything came together so easily, I even wrote in my journal one night that the only way it wouldn't happen is if God did something drastic.  The next day, I got the phone call about the job up here in Camden.  So the plans changed... and just because I felt like God was leading me didn't mean I didn't have questions about how it all happened...

Graduating college and entering the real world is a hard enough transition but moving 600 miles and walking away from The Grove (and my college friends) was the hardest decision.  For years, I swore I would never live in Bryson City but then I found The Grove.  I will never forget walking in the doors that very first Sunday.  I knew I was home.  The Grove is not a building, The Grove is a family and a community.  The Grove is leaders and people who are willing to challenge you for the sake of your own growth.  Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through a lot over the past 24 years.  While at The Grove, God gave me sisters, brothers, moms, aunts, grandmothers and dads.  He fulfilled each and every one of my needs.  He spoke wisdom into my life through Godly woman and men.  He gave me friends who supported my decisions and only allowed me to accept the very best in my life and never settle (for anything or anyone). He put people in my life to help heal me, encourage and teach me. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for them.  For that reason, I didn't want to leave but I knew from experience (and because a lovely friend pointed it out from her own experience) that if I didn't follow God's lead he would use force to remove me and that would be even more painful. 

It was hard to walk away knowing life would go on for everyone, without me.  It isn't easy giving up a job you love to someone else (even when you want nothing but success for them), it isn't easy to have three of your closest friends announce their pregnant and you know you won't be there to celebrate with them along the way.  It is hard to walk away knowing the best is yet to come for that place (I know it sounds selfish but I am being honest here).  But as hard as it was, I had to have faith in what The Grove had given me and step out in it.  I had to believe that God knew what he was doing and that the best was yet to come for me as well.

 So now, here I am and it is February.  Because this is a public forum all I will say is, the job was nothing like it should have been. The past 6 and a half months were an extreme struggle.  My poor family watched as I walked around in a zombie-like state attempting to figure out what had gone wrong.  No one knew what to do or say.  I didn't feel like myself and I didn't act like myself.

Everyone did their best to encourage me and I did my best to trust God that he had a plan.  For months, every church service I attended was based on the theme of "surviving trials" and I did my best to withstand the attacks.  I would hear that we shouldn't go around defeated and that we should be speaking about how great God was and how he was going to get me through.  These were all things I knew and believed in my heart but the "zombie" just wouldn't let it out of me.  I felt like I was being suffocated.  I wondered things like, "Where are you God", "How come every time I pray it gets harder instead of easier?" and "If I am praying against attacks why are they coming on even stronger?"

I began attending a church called True North and I felt strongly that I was supposed to be there.  They even had a Ladies' Comfort Food Night that reminded me so much of The Grove's Ladies' Chocolate Night (and ladies, they rocked it!! They even had guys valet parking our cars and waiting on our tables!).  The only problem was the "zombie" was taking so much of my energy I didn't have anything in me to get involved at church like I knew I should.  This I think added to the cycle.  Here I was a person who was so used to being involved at church, I was used to being the go-to person, the "go-for", the greeter and the kids' girl, I was used to knowing everything that was going on and used to knowing everyone.  All of a sudden, I was on the other side of it.  I was the guest, I was the person who didn't know what was going on, where I should be or who all the people were.  This was draining!!  But you know what? 

One Sunday morning (in January) I woke up and as I was getting ready for church I had a vision of myself as a plant (and I specifically thought bamboo, although I thought it was weird) that had been sitting in its pot just absorbing and absorbing and now it was time to grow, but not just grow, burst up.  It came back to me again during worship that morning and once more when the pastor began discussing John 15 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit..." A few weeks later I heard on the radio that Chinese bamboo trees show no growth for the first four years they are planted but then in one year (the fifth year) they grow 80 feet in one season.  It turns out during the first 4 years the tree was developing its underground root system. "Had the tree not developed a strong unseen foundation it could not have sustained its life as it grew."  After that Sunday, the themes in messages and my personal readings changed.  It was no longer about making it through the trial.  I had made it through the trial. The job had not changed but God finally had gotten me above the surface. 

Time after time, I said things like, "You know, God, I could have been waking up in Yellowstone today!" or "Why am I not in New Zealand?"  But God is funny, have you seen what happened in Australia two weeks ago?  There was a cyclone the same week I was supposed to be there. I am not saying I wouldn't have survived but it sure would have made for a bad trip.  So here is what I know, God has a purpose for me in New Jersey. I begged him for months to get me out of the situation I was in but also committed to giving my all as long as he wanted me there.  Finally, last week, he gave me the go ahead and I resigned.  I do not feel like a quitter because I know I gave it everything and I have amazing memories of moments with each child that let me know I did not fail.  I know God can and will take care of my children. 

As for what's up next in my life...

I have no clue. I know that I have very much enjoyed being around my family.  That has been a blessing!!  I love getting to love on my three little cousins and feel very strongly that they (especially the girls) need me to be here as an encouraging Christian female in their lives.  I have so many family members here that I get to now be part of their lives and I feel like that is part of the ministry God is currently calling me to. 

I know that I love The Grove and I miss my family there SO MUCH but I am also at peace now knowing that God has moved us all forward just like I knew he would.  For months I was that little bamboo plant and I felt like I was getting no where but I sprouted and shot up.  The "zombie" is gone and Catherine is back.  I just became co-captain of the greeting team (while the other captain takes some maternity time off) at True North, I am going on a ski trip next week, I am signed up for an Align class (which I am hoping will help me to continue to discover more about True North's vision), I am part of the new event planning team and I am in a reality group.  I am just getting started with all of this but it feels so great because these are the things that make me, me!

There are still many things I do not understand and I probably never will but I know God is good and I trust he has my best interests at heart.  So I don't really know what is next but I am believing big things for 2011, I know there are life changing miracles ahead because the best is yet to come!

"Your critics and those who would put you down are always limited by their own perspective, but you can create for yourself a perspective that is void of limitations!"
--Peter J. Daniels