I Have A Team, Do You?

I recently made a new friend. Her name is Donya and she is a writer, speaker and a dreamer. We have yet to officially meet but we started emailing after I read a comment from her on Jon Acuff's blog.

As we began emailing about our passions and similar dreams Donya asked me:

"How on Earth did you find other like minded individuals willing to jump on board? (referring to The You Are Project) I have approached several people about the plans I have and no one wants to really jump in with me. I get a lot of applause followed by 'I could never do that but you can do it.' The thing is, no one can tackle something like that on their own. They need a team. You have a team. I'm in awe...And a little jealous :) Tell me your secret!"

This isn't the complete response I sent her but it was my first thought....

My friends are visionaries.

They see what others can't (or choose not to).

My friends are revolutionaries working for a change.

My friends are dreamers, daring to dream.

They are believers and they are go getters.

My friends dare to ask "what if?" and "why?"

My friends don't believe in "impossible".

My friends don't allow themselves (or their dreams) to be put in a box.

My friends give their all to the causes that speak to their cores.

Donya's statement made me so proud! Not proud of myself but proud of my friends. Proud to know such fantastic people. Proud to be one of the "team".

Her statement also really challenged me. I found myself wondering how much responsibility I could take for the fact that I was surrounded by "like minded individuals". Was this something I had intentionally pursued, was it luck or some combination of both?

But out of it all my focus fell on the following statement, "...no one can tackle something like that on their own. They need a team. You have a team." The words, "I have a team" kept repeating in my head.

I have a team! What a relief to know that I'm not in this alone. I have a team! How encouraging to be reminded that there are people who have my back. I have a team! How fantastic it is to know that I am loved. I have a team. Thank God! And then... I have a team.... Do they know how much I love them?

This isn't just about The You Are Project this is about the team of people who support me throughout my life, people who believe in me, pray for me and challenge me. This is about the people who have sacrificed. The people who have been part of making me, me. Without these people, I wouldn't believe in myself. Without these people I wouldn't know how to show myself grace. Without these people, I wouldn't believe in my ability to accomplish the dreams God has placed in my heart. Without these people, my world would be a very dreary place.

If you aren't in the picture, just know it isn't personal.
I LOVE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU!

Thanks for being on my team!

 
QUESTION TIME: Do you know who is on your team? Are you strategic about building your team? Do you choose who you surround yourself with or just let it happen?

How much time do you spend with your team?

Does your team all think and believe exactly like you or do you have team mates that challenge you and push you forward?

What types of people are on your team? How many negative people are on the team compared to positive?Who has the stronger voice?  Who is easier to listen to, why?

How many of your team mates are dreamers? How many are not? Are you thoughtful about which of these people you share your dreams with?

What is the dynamic between the members of your team? Do they work together and encourage or just coexist?

Do your team mates know you believe in them?

Do they let you know they believe in you? Have you taken the time to thank them?

Do you believe in you? If not, how do you ever expect anyone else to believe in you?

When you truly believe in yourself, you challenge others to believe in themselves.

By the way, I believe in you!! Don't forget it.



Wishes and Whys

Sometimes what life throws at us is beyond unfair. Sometimes the lemons are so sour we can't imagine ever being able to make lemonade out of it. Sometimes it seems life has conquered us and not the other way around.

Six months ago one of my best and oldest friends died of an accidental overdose. I realize many could read this and stereotype her into a certain image in their heads. But Brandi is more than a statistic. She was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend and a mother. She can't be defined by the product of her experiences. I will only allow her to be defined by her heart and its actions. Brandi loved, she sacrificed, she dreamed, and she cared.

Brandi and her son, Ethan, the day he was born.

I have found myself asking the question,"why?" a lot over the last six months. "Why did she die? Why, God, didn't you intervene? Why, God, didn't you have a better plan? Why did she take that pill? Why! Why? Why!?" There are so many whys and most of them I pushed aside simply so that I could find a way to continue functioning because there was nothing in me to give to finding answers. There are so many things I don't know and only a few that I do.

I know that I wish I could have told her I loved her just a few more times. I wish I would have hugged her just a little bit longer. I wish I would have called her a thousand more times. I wish I had told her again how incredible she was. I wish I would have known to not take those moments for granted. I wish...I wish...I wish... Tonight I might sit here and write her a birthday letter with everything I wish I had said but it won't do any good because it is too late.

But there's one wish that does still matter and it's everything I wish I could tell you. I wish we would take the focus off ourselves and step out of our bubbles. I wish we would stop worrying what people will think and simply be honest about what we love about each other. I wish we would figure out how to make more time for each other and the memories that will matter. I wish we would hug a little longer. I wish we would tell each other what makes the other so fantastic. I wish we would forgive a little easier and love a lot more. I wish we would see what it is often too late to see.

Go make your friends see what they are worth to the world so you will never have to say, "I wish". And by doing so you will be helping to remove some of the sour from the lemons I'm trying to make into lemonade. And hey, by the way..... I love you! Seriously!

"Life's Like This..."

I have this faint memory from the ninth grade. It was a Thursday in the Fall of 2001. I was in the girls' bathroom of the 800 building at AC Flora High School, a building that I'm pretty sure no longer exists.

This cute, little blond girl started talking to me. We had a class together but I didn't really know her. I was new to the district, new to the town, new to the state and new to the south. Basically, I was just new and I'm sure it was plastered all over me. I was 14 and clueless. Luckily, so was she. After all, who isn't in the ninth grade?

She invited me to go to opening day at the fair that night. I don't remember anything about it but I know we were almost instantly best friends.

One of my favorite memories is the afternoon we got out the video camera and choreographed a music video to Avril Lavigne's "Complicated," complete with costume changes and multiple settings (If I ever find it... I will post it). I swear this song seems to play on the radio much more often since she's been gone and every time I hear it I ache for one more chance to tell her how special she is. But still, I'm thankful to hear it because it gives me the chance to remember her carefree smile and laugh before the world came along with all of its destruction, let downs and heart break.

It's a moment I can look to and rid myself of the haunting memory of the pain that lingered behind each smile in her last few years. A pain that I knew existed and yet failed to find a way to remove.  For a moment, I'm taken back to innocence and ignorance. A time when we still had the chance to achieve every dream we'd ever dreamt. A time when we were responsible for nothing but homework.



*Brandi, saying "Happy Birthday" seems like such a bizarre thing to say today but either way you should know that you aren't forgotten and you are just as loved as ever.*

I Am Her...

A work in progress...

I am not a porn star but my friend is.

She is me and I am her.

I have never been a stripper but my friend was.

She is me and I am her.

I have never sold my body for food or money but my friend did.

She is me and I am her.

Do you know her, my friend? 

When you see her

Remember she is me and I am her

---------------------------------------------------

She is someone's daughter.

She is precious and adored.

She was once a little girl.

She danced around the house

And dreamed of big adventures.

Today she is a conquest

An accomplishment

Helping you forget.

She paints on a smile

Plays the part you pay to see.

Gives you everything

And returns with nothing.

"All Men Are Dogs" Pt. 2

To my Awesome and Incredible Non Dog Guy Friends All Around The World,

Because apparently some of you missed the point earlier and because I'm tired of men getting a bad rap. I would  just like to reiterate how blessed I am to be friends with you.

You are some of the greatest guys on Earth. You are genuine and pure hearted but still human. You make mistakes and let me and other people down at times (I know I do too) but your intentions are always honorable. You respect me and all of the women in your life.  You don't just believe in watching your mouth in front of women and children but at all times. You don't put on an act in this matter and I love how real that is.  You pursue a pure and honorable lifestyle even when no one is looking. That is such an attractive quality.
You not only treat me as a sister but as someone else's future wife. Your words, actions and choices show your thoughtfulness for a man, you and I most likely don't even know yet.

The world throws a lot at you, it tells you all the things that will supposedly make you a man but you laugh in the world's face because you know who you are and what you value.

Because of each one of you, the guys who have changed what I believe I deserve and what I believe is possible, the bar is constantly being raised. Thank you for that. Thank you for valuing the women in your life.

You have no idea what it means to us!

Love,
Catherine

P.S.
And for those of you who brought up the different breeds of dogs, a dog is still a dog and "No, I do not want a Poodle or a Pomeranian. I want a man! And no, I do not want a pit bull, that is also not a man."

P.P.S.
And just so you know you guys crack me up and I love you!

"All Men Are Dogs"

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this phrase or even how long I believed it.  I can, for some strange reason, remember walking down the street in late elementary school and my dad saying it.  He wasn't the first to say it and he wasn't the last. 

For years, I just accepted this statement as the truth.  It wasn't long before I began reading between the lines to the hidden messages this joke insinuates, "All men are dogs = All men think and care about is sex, boobs, porn and maybe food.  This is common knowledge about men, they are simple and this is all that matters to them.  Don't ever think of expecting anything more than this from them."

Unfortunately, the message I, and so many other young girls and women, began to believe was, "Don't expect anything from men." and "If you have boobs and a nice butt you are worth something to them. So use it.  Use it to gain attention, use it to gain control, use it to receive love and affirmation. Use it." 

What happens when a girl grows up believing "All men are dogs"?  It is really quite simple, she expects little or nothing from men.  She doesn't expect to be respected or honored because she has never been shown what it looks like or been shown that she deserves it.  She doesn't know to create high standards of expectation because she doesn't know there is something better to wait for.  She doesn't know the value of remaining pure when every guy she meets tells her and shows her there is no value in it.  When you grow up believing "All men are dogs" you do not know that it is okay to desire something more, to expect more. 

When you believe that "All men are dogs" you may believe that you deserve something better and you very likely will want something better, however you will never believe that you can have something better because you believe that all men are the same and that "something better" does not exist. 

I wish thirteen (to nineteen) year old me knew what I know now.  I wish thirteen year old me knew "Not all men are dogs" and that one day she would meet some incredible guys.  Not just incredible guys to date (there have been two or three of them and I love them dearly!) but incredible guys to play the role of father and grandfather, incredible guys to play the role of a big brother or little brother, incredible guys to be uncles and incredible guys to model the role of a husband.  I wish thirteen year old me knew not to waste my time, energy or heart on the dogs.  I wish thirteen year old me knew to relish in the expectancy of what was to come. 

A Side Note

The fact of the matter is, some men really are dogs and just don't care.  Others are dogs just because they think that is what makes them a man.  They are believing the lie, "all men are dogs" in a way similar to the way women are believing it.  I am not an expert on this part because I am not a guy.  If any of you who are men want to share something from that perspective, I would love to hear it. 

I also realize that some men might be asking the question, "Am I a dog?" or denying the fact that they are dogs by comparing themselves to a bigger dog.  I'm not going to get into this right now but just realize, you are probably only fooling yourself.

 

A Challenge

If you are a guy, I have some questions for you. If you are a girl, your challenge is in the next paragraph.  Men, what are you doing to prove to the women around you (daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, cousins, coworkers and supermarket clerks) that "Not all men are dogs"?  What are you doing to protect their hearts? Remember, no one ever follows the old saying "Do as I say, not as I do" and it is proven that "Actions really do speak louder than words." If you tell your daughter or sister not to settle for a dog but you yourself are behaving like a dog, you can guarantee she will settle.  Show her what to expect through your values and actions.  Something that really scares me about some men is that you just might be ok with your daughter picking a dog because if she found someone to cherish and respect her, you would feel convicted and challenged.

Ladies, are you honoring the men (who are not dogs) in your life?  Are you taking the time to appreciate them?  Do you realize how hard they work to honor and respect you, to fight off the messages that the world sends them?  They aren't immune to the temptations of the world and they aren't wimps but they choose something better out of love and respect for you and me. As they struggle with the temptations that the world throws at them, are you working against them or looking for ways that you can make it a little easier?  Telling dirty jokes, dressing in skimpy clothes and picking out inappropriate movies are all ways we make life more difficult for them.  Don't let their efforts and beautiful hearts go unnoticed.


Finally, don't allow the girls and women in your life to continue believing "All men are dogs".  We so often get annoyed with guys that we say things we don't mean while talking to our girlfriends. Beware of the messages that your words are sending out not only to your friends but to listening ears. 
 

True Story

A while back I was riding in the car with my Aunt and her three youngest children.  At the time they were three, seven and nine.  The two oldest are girls.  I happened to be complaining to my aunt about this guy I was talking to and how confusing he was being.  In a joking but frustrated way I concluded my rant with an exasperated, "I don't know. Boys are just stupid."  Right then and there, my seven year old cousin replied, "That isn't nice, Catherine.  You shouldn't call people stupid." 

Talk about a slap in the face. Just as much as I would never want my little cousins to grow up believing the generalization that "All guys are dogs," I wouldn't want them thinking that "Boys are just stupid." I want them to grow up honoring men, their brothers and their father.  I want them to see the talent behind these men and how hard they work. I also want them to honor and respect their classmates.  I don't want them to grow up thinking they are better or smarter than anyone else.  I am so thankful that she responded to my statement in the way she did.  If she had not, I might not have realized the messages I was sending out.

Thank You

Finally, I just want to say thank you to all the guys who have been part of recreating my image of men.  You are AWESOME and you are greatly appreciated! If it wasn't for you, I would still be believing a lie.  I love you all! 



Do You Enjoy It?

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

-Unknown

Part I

I recently posted this question as a status update on Facebook.  The responses I got were pretty tame. Some people said things like, "Fly" or "Anything, just because I could" while others simply "liked" it.  I remember feeling a little disappointed that not one of my friends even dared for a minute to think outside the box.  I knew it was simply just another sentence on their news feed but I was disappointed because it made me feel like I was the only one who's insides were screaming for something more.   

I can't help but wonder if we have come to a point where we no longer allow ourselves to dream, question and ask, "what if" because we are afraid of being hurt when things don't work out, we are afraid of taking risks, afraid of the unknown, afraid of the free fall, afraid of tripping and getting scraped up. 

Or is it that we've become too busy? Are we so wrapped up in our everyday lives, in all the things that are so important to us that we don't even have time to appreciate them?  I have this friend who is extremely talented, passionate and hard working but lately it seems that his life has been overtaken by all these things he "has to do," things that he loves and things that he has chosen for his life but at the same time something just seems off.  I recently asked him, "Do you enjoy it?" and at first his response made me feel a little better, "Deep down I am. It's just hard to realize because of everything else." But some time later I began to feel like something was off with that answer.  You see, here is this guy who is "living the dream," setting himself up for a successful future and doing things he always dreamed of but he can't fully enjoy because he is stretched out in so many different directions.  What good are blessings if we have turned them into burdens? What good are these blessings if we can not fully engage in them because of all the other responsibilities in our lives that we are afraid to let go of?

Individual blessings usually come along only for a period of time (some longer and shorter than others).  For example, college, jobs (and unemployment), trips, relationships (even the different stages of relationships), babies, children, vacations, living in a certain area, engagements, weddings, etc.  And I can't help but feel like most of the time we allow ourselves to be robbed of the pleasure God intends for us to find in that blessing because we don't make it a priority.  We often recognize the blessing but then put it on the same playing field as every other aspect of our lives.  We practically make it mundane.  We even say things like, "Oh, this is going by so fast." or "I wish I had more time or energy to focus on _____." But we do nothing about it.  We don't sit down and make a plan.  We don't look at the different stories our lives are writing and decide which ones need to be cut out (Thanks, Caleb for this line).  We just keep on going.  We tell ourselves to enjoy the moment, to live in it and not rush but our actions say otherwise. 

So now, I have to ask you a question, "Are you enjoying it? Are you glad you are doing it?" If your answer isn't "YES!", if your answer is more like, "Yes, but I hardly realize it" then PLEASE stop and do something about it.  Make some changes.  Do something different, step back from something if you need to.  Take control of your schedule and manage your time better.  Do something different so you can enjoy the blessings you have been given right now.  Because before you know it, they will be gone. 

 Just A Little Something Extra....

Are you a newlywed couple that just can't wait to have kids? Why? Do you realize you have your whole lives ahead of you? Have you taken the time to enjoy your spouse and this season of your lives together? If you can't figure out how to enjoy them how will you ever learn to truly enjoy your children? You only get this season of your life once, don't rush through it. Don't forget to enjoy it.

Are you engaged? Why are you rushing everything? Why do you feel the need to get married yesterday? I understand you are excited, believe me I do and I am sure I would be right there with you but seriously, you only get this ONCE! Relish in the moment. Be excited! Live out each moment and experience it fully. This is your time.

Oh, college student! My goodness, enjoy it! Go to class and LEARN! Take advantage of all the opportunities in front of you. Meet people! Leave your shell and comfort zone behind and build relationships. Quit counting down the days and years till graduation. You only get this once, appreciate the people around you and go crazy!

And to "all the single ladies (and gentlemen)," can we please just relax? We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. I know the child in you is feeling "SO OLD!" but seriously we are in this season for a reason and there is still so much fun to be had! Let's embrace it! Let's learn to enjoy every aspect of it (including the Friday nights at home and wedding invites with no "plus one") so that when the next blessing comes along we will be ready for it, we will know how to embrace and appreciate that season.


(A few weeks later:  Just read this article from Relevant and thought it really applies to this topic.   http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/26793-the-pride-of-busyness)

".... A Fun New Journey!"

Don't you love when Facebook pops up with an old status update in your side bar? It almost always makes me smile. Today, it gave me my status from one year ago (August 22, 2010). I had just moved back to NJ after being away for ten years and was experiencing my first Sunday away from The Grove.
           
Upon the suggestion of my Aunt I went to visit a church she suggested that morning. Maybe my guard was up, maybe it was just too soon, maybe I was being extra critical because I know what I like and don't like about churches or maybe it just wasn't the right time. For whatever reason, my insides didn't scream, "THIS IS IT!" when I walked in the door or at all while I was there. People were nice enough, I introduced myself to the Senior Pastor and he was very genuinely excited to meet me. He insisted his wife would love to meet me as well but was unfortunately in a meeting. Instead he introduced me to his daughter who was also really sweet and I knew I could be friends with her. But off I went, disappointed that I hadn't found the church for me.

Playing in the snow with some of
my favorite Grove women!

As I returned home from church, I began receiving text messages from friends at The Grove in response to the "What's Happening At The Grove" video featuring my goodbye.This only made me miss my normal Sunday routine more, my "Monkeys" and "KangaRoos" (their smiles, giggles and cries), the specialty coffee bar, David King and his smile at the back door as Jodi and I wander around trying to remember all the random little things we think we can leave till the last minute, Leroy and Fannie stopping by my desk with trays of pastries as they come upstairs from the kitchen to stock the coffee bar, fighting Jeff for the opportunity to use the printer and copier followed by a sarcastic comment of some sort which really means how much he loves having me on the team, Autumn and Eliana, followed by Greg and Paula (insert the names of any family with a toddler here) coming down the hallway as they announce Emma Grace has wandered off again, all soundtracked by the amazing group of talented musicians practicing down the hall.

I can't imagine my life without these
beautiful and inspiring women!

I reminded myself in that moment that The Grove is unique and the relationships I found there could never be replaced but that at the same time I knew God had called me to NJ and it was time to move forward and trust him. So at 11:54am, I updated my Facebook with the following, "missing the Grove this morning but trying really hard to be open minded." Among the many responses was this note from my dear friend, Sarah Speier, "You are on a fun new journey! ENJOY IT!"

Well, it is now a year later and I can announce that it truly has been an amazing journey! Almost every expectation I came with has been shattered but I am in no way hung up on that. After that Sunday, I decided to just attend my Aunt's church until I figured out where I needed to be. I always knew it would be temporary but I felt like it was important to get plugged in with people while I was there. I made some amazing friends during that time and was so amazingly challenged and encouraged by so many beautiful people. The message each and every week was right on target with the challenges I was facing and I was able to just soak it all in and get charged for my week. God was definitely at work through it all but it was just a layover, not my final destination.

On a Friday, in late October, almost exactly two months after first visiting, I felt that I was supposed to go back to that first church. So... off I went. I can't say anything profound happened that day. But I believe there are two things that spoke to my heart and said, "This is where you belong." The first is that an usher sat me in the second or third row and these girls (I am pretty sure they were teenagers, sitting in the front row) realized I was sitting alone and decided to make me sit with them. I have no clue who they were and at first I was a little thrown off by the fact that they were so young but in the end I was just impressed by their boldness and excited spirits. The second defining moment was when the Senior Pastor saw me and gave me a big hug. I realize to many people this may sound strange and I don't necessarily believe he hugs everyone who visits once and returns two months later but he is an old friend of my Aunt and Uncle so I think that is why I got a hug. But for me, that hug said a lot.

Just two months earlier, I had walked away from more than just a church, a job or some friends. I had walked away from a family. I had brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, moms and dads, grandfathers and grandmothers. I had people who valued me and loved me unconditionally. I had people who challenged me and saw past my flaws. And I had DADS, men to encourage and cherish, to serve and to exemplify Christ. Because of my background, because that was something I did not grow up with God used the faithful men at The Grove to fill that void. But amongst all of that, I also played a role. I was a sister, a daughter, an aunt, granddaughter and strange as it sounds, even a mom. And although I had been making friends and being encouraged at my aunt's church I still felt like just another face in the crowd.  I still felt like someone attending an event and I wasn't sure what more my role there was.  As I said before I love these people (it just wasn't where I was supposed to be) and I found friends in the crowd but I did not find brothers and sisters.  I didn't find moms and dads, grandmothers or grandfathers and well, the only aunt and uncle I found were really my aunt and uncle.

When I received that hug, I was acknowledged and welcomed. It said, "You mean something, you are valuable, we want you here and there is a role for you here." I can't say anything dramatic happened right away but I knew that was where I was going to be on Sunday mornings. A week or two later I attended a women's event and was introduced to a lot of people and slowly began to build connections and get involved with a reality group and a team. I've now been a part of True North for almost ten months and at times it almost makes me sick to think about how blessed I am.  After such a bizarre year, I find myself with even more joy and that is crazy!

So many people are missing out on the best life has to offer, they are sleeping through life or as my good friend, Katie (yeah, the Senior Pastor's daughter that I knew I could be friends with) would say, "They are zombies. Not dead but not alive. Just walking around bumping into things." They have no real direction, purpose, excitement or passion.




I'm blessed to be living this life! I got to spend five weeks back in May and June at The Grove visiting my NC family and working with my old team. It was a beautiful blessing that added to my year but the most exciting part was knowing that while I was enjoying every millisecond there I had another incredible family up in NJ waiting for me to return. The Grove is not True North and True North is not The Grove.

At True North, I'm getting to be a little sister, a big sister, a daughter and a friend. I have people speaking into my life and I have the opportunity to speak into other's lives. I'm surrounded by men and women (really young, sort of young and old) who LOVE Jesus and pursue him on a daily basis. Their faith is alive and a part of their everyday lives. I am surrounded by people who are LOVING life. For us it isn't about striving to survive, it is about enjoying every moment, not wasting a blessing, living fully aware! I'm blessed to have these people walking alongside me, lifting me up when I'm hurting, encouraging and challenging me with deep conversation and cracking me up on a regular basis.  The struggles still come, the questions and worry still creep up but none of that competes with the joy that comes through fully and actively engaging in life.

As the blessings continue to exceed my expectations I can't help but wonder, "What will Facebook be saying another year from now?" 

I love you all and I am so thankful that I get to experience life with you! 

"You will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."  John 16:22

For Brandi and Ben

Just two weeks ago, I was standing in front of a casket that held the body of my best friend. It barely looked like her and that only made me angry. I'd just driven almost twelve hours, alone in the car and I couldn't figure out what I was expecting to find or receive when I got there. I was so angry standing in that room filled with strangers, there were so many strange faces floating all around me. Even while clinging to the strong arm of a devoted friend I had to do everything in my power to keep from screaming out in anger and loneliness, "Who are you people?! Why are you here?! Did you even know this girl, I mean did you REALLY know this girl? Did you know even one thing about her heart, her passions, her journey? Did you sit back and watch as her heart was breaking? Did you do anything about it? Did you even try? Who the heck are you and why are you here?"

But clearly one can not behave like that in public so instead I ran away. I allowed myself to cry momentarily in a back hallway of the funeral home and then I reemerged with my big girl, "everything is going to be ok," game face on. Why? I don't know. I guess because the event was making me (subconsciously) regress to high school, a time that I always felt I had to have it all together, I couldn't let anyone know the tragedies that were taking place behind my smile, people thought I knew what I was doing and who was I to tell them other wise. I had to be the responsible one, the calm one, the one people could depend on.

Why!? Why are we always so afraid of making a scene? I'm not saying I should have been allowed to yell at all those people but maybe I should have given myself some sort of grace, to have taken off my mask and bawled my eyes out on the floor by her side, to have apologized for all the ways I failed her over the years, all the times I was selfish and didn't get around to returning her phone calls, for not fighting harder for her and to apologize for not having any clue how to now protect her beautiful baby boy. I should have let it all out right then and there in front of all those strangers but instead I ran away.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know how to accept the cold, hard truth so I got in the car, went to dinner and ate LOTS of Italian food and wine because I know how to eat (and yes, I even danced a little), that is easier than attempting to sort out my feelings. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions or the situation. I ran away to a place that I did not have to be responsible, where I wouldn't have to think about it.

While back at home, in NJ, my beautiful friends made it their mission to continually pursue me, encourage me and support me through phone calls, text messages and facebook. My core group of friends stood by me and refused to let me struggle alone.

I'm still experiencing moments when I feel the urge to call her and tell her something random, I still occasionally start laughing as I think of things that only she would think are funny. I shake my head and laugh at the stupid and idiotic things we did in high school and I still continue to dream about her beautiful face and life and I pray that these memories never go away.

Now, two weeks later, some of my dear friends, many the same ones who have been working so hard to encourage me, are experiencing their very own personal tragedy, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of their good friend, Ben.

Although I never knew Ben, my heart is breaking for his life cut short, his family and his friends. I have found no explanation that lessens the struggle, I have found no specific words that make me feel better but I've discovered how strongly a friend's love can light up your life. This is my thank you to each of you who have poured out your love on me in the last two weeks. It has made all the difference. And now if I can do the same for you please let me know. And if you can learn from my mistakes, please do. You do not need to be strong (God is enough for the both of you), you do not have to have it all together (it only makes others feel that they should too), don't worry what others will think when you are vulnerable, cry (even when people say don't) and celebrate every good memory!


Originally written on August 23, 2011

Boardwalk Talk (Part One)

The other night I was walking on the boardwalk with my cousin. I happened to mention that my idea of a great date would be a guy taking me down the shore, eating pizza (and other goodies) on the boardwalk and then going miniature golfing. Then we laughed because that was what we were doing, minus the mini golf.

Later on, as we walked I was commenting on how important it is for girls (especially young ones) to feel desired and cared for by the men in their life (brothers, dads, cousins, etc) and the role rejection and abandonment can play in their lives. We then began talking about how close the two of us were growing up and all the riduculous games we played.  I jokingly said, "Yeah, we were so close for the longest time and then you just left me behind (when you became a teenager)." He responded with, "Oh, is that why you are such an awkward dater now (this was in response to an earlier conversation about my goofy, nonexistant love life)? I didn't realize that abandoning you would have that affect on you? Maybe this fake date will fix your problems."

So as hysterical as this is I would like to take a moment to encourage all the men out there to really make sure you are fighting for and supporting the women God has placed in your lives, especially sisters, cousins and moms. The truth of the matter is that we need you! We learn what to expect and what standards to set from the men we are closest to.

P.S. Ant, I don't blame you for my awkwardness.   :)

The Best is Yet to Come...

Sometimes things happen in life that we just don't understand.  Last summer, I was so sure that God was leading me to take that trip.  Everything came together so easily, I even wrote in my journal one night that the only way it wouldn't happen is if God did something drastic.  The next day, I got the phone call about the job up here in Camden.  So the plans changed... and just because I felt like God was leading me didn't mean I didn't have questions about how it all happened...

Graduating college and entering the real world is a hard enough transition but moving 600 miles and walking away from The Grove (and my college friends) was the hardest decision.  For years, I swore I would never live in Bryson City but then I found The Grove.  I will never forget walking in the doors that very first Sunday.  I knew I was home.  The Grove is not a building, The Grove is a family and a community.  The Grove is leaders and people who are willing to challenge you for the sake of your own growth.  Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through a lot over the past 24 years.  While at The Grove, God gave me sisters, brothers, moms, aunts, grandmothers and dads.  He fulfilled each and every one of my needs.  He spoke wisdom into my life through Godly woman and men.  He gave me friends who supported my decisions and only allowed me to accept the very best in my life and never settle (for anything or anyone). He put people in my life to help heal me, encourage and teach me. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for them.  For that reason, I didn't want to leave but I knew from experience (and because a lovely friend pointed it out from her own experience) that if I didn't follow God's lead he would use force to remove me and that would be even more painful. 

It was hard to walk away knowing life would go on for everyone, without me.  It isn't easy giving up a job you love to someone else (even when you want nothing but success for them), it isn't easy to have three of your closest friends announce their pregnant and you know you won't be there to celebrate with them along the way.  It is hard to walk away knowing the best is yet to come for that place (I know it sounds selfish but I am being honest here).  But as hard as it was, I had to have faith in what The Grove had given me and step out in it.  I had to believe that God knew what he was doing and that the best was yet to come for me as well.

 So now, here I am and it is February.  Because this is a public forum all I will say is, the job was nothing like it should have been. The past 6 and a half months were an extreme struggle.  My poor family watched as I walked around in a zombie-like state attempting to figure out what had gone wrong.  No one knew what to do or say.  I didn't feel like myself and I didn't act like myself.

Everyone did their best to encourage me and I did my best to trust God that he had a plan.  For months, every church service I attended was based on the theme of "surviving trials" and I did my best to withstand the attacks.  I would hear that we shouldn't go around defeated and that we should be speaking about how great God was and how he was going to get me through.  These were all things I knew and believed in my heart but the "zombie" just wouldn't let it out of me.  I felt like I was being suffocated.  I wondered things like, "Where are you God", "How come every time I pray it gets harder instead of easier?" and "If I am praying against attacks why are they coming on even stronger?"

I began attending a church called True North and I felt strongly that I was supposed to be there.  They even had a Ladies' Comfort Food Night that reminded me so much of The Grove's Ladies' Chocolate Night (and ladies, they rocked it!! They even had guys valet parking our cars and waiting on our tables!).  The only problem was the "zombie" was taking so much of my energy I didn't have anything in me to get involved at church like I knew I should.  This I think added to the cycle.  Here I was a person who was so used to being involved at church, I was used to being the go-to person, the "go-for", the greeter and the kids' girl, I was used to knowing everything that was going on and used to knowing everyone.  All of a sudden, I was on the other side of it.  I was the guest, I was the person who didn't know what was going on, where I should be or who all the people were.  This was draining!!  But you know what? 

One Sunday morning (in January) I woke up and as I was getting ready for church I had a vision of myself as a plant (and I specifically thought bamboo, although I thought it was weird) that had been sitting in its pot just absorbing and absorbing and now it was time to grow, but not just grow, burst up.  It came back to me again during worship that morning and once more when the pastor began discussing John 15 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit..." A few weeks later I heard on the radio that Chinese bamboo trees show no growth for the first four years they are planted but then in one year (the fifth year) they grow 80 feet in one season.  It turns out during the first 4 years the tree was developing its underground root system. "Had the tree not developed a strong unseen foundation it could not have sustained its life as it grew."  After that Sunday, the themes in messages and my personal readings changed.  It was no longer about making it through the trial.  I had made it through the trial. The job had not changed but God finally had gotten me above the surface. 

Time after time, I said things like, "You know, God, I could have been waking up in Yellowstone today!" or "Why am I not in New Zealand?"  But God is funny, have you seen what happened in Australia two weeks ago?  There was a cyclone the same week I was supposed to be there. I am not saying I wouldn't have survived but it sure would have made for a bad trip.  So here is what I know, God has a purpose for me in New Jersey. I begged him for months to get me out of the situation I was in but also committed to giving my all as long as he wanted me there.  Finally, last week, he gave me the go ahead and I resigned.  I do not feel like a quitter because I know I gave it everything and I have amazing memories of moments with each child that let me know I did not fail.  I know God can and will take care of my children. 

As for what's up next in my life...

I have no clue. I know that I have very much enjoyed being around my family.  That has been a blessing!!  I love getting to love on my three little cousins and feel very strongly that they (especially the girls) need me to be here as an encouraging Christian female in their lives.  I have so many family members here that I get to now be part of their lives and I feel like that is part of the ministry God is currently calling me to. 

I know that I love The Grove and I miss my family there SO MUCH but I am also at peace now knowing that God has moved us all forward just like I knew he would.  For months I was that little bamboo plant and I felt like I was getting no where but I sprouted and shot up.  The "zombie" is gone and Catherine is back.  I just became co-captain of the greeting team (while the other captain takes some maternity time off) at True North, I am going on a ski trip next week, I am signed up for an Align class (which I am hoping will help me to continue to discover more about True North's vision), I am part of the new event planning team and I am in a reality group.  I am just getting started with all of this but it feels so great because these are the things that make me, me!

There are still many things I do not understand and I probably never will but I know God is good and I trust he has my best interests at heart.  So I don't really know what is next but I am believing big things for 2011, I know there are life changing miracles ahead because the best is yet to come!

"Your critics and those who would put you down are always limited by their own perspective, but you can create for yourself a perspective that is void of limitations!"
--Peter J. Daniels

THE PLAN...

Here is the map with all of my planned stops marked off.  

To view a much larger (and legible) version click on the image.

As I continue to earn and save up money the bar below the map will show you my progress.

If you are interested in finding out about ways you can help me with my planning please read the sidebar (has since been taken down). If you are interested in sponsoring a specific leg of the trip (8 cents/mile) please let me know.  To show my appreciation I will dedicate that part of my adventure to you and send you a postcard from that area.  If you click on the image below you can read about the mileage between stops and how much it would cost to sponsor that leg of the journey (8 cents/mile).  The green sections are ones that have already been chosen by someone to sponsor.  Thank you again to everyone for your love, prayers and support.

This map will show you how I am doing with saving up for New Zealand.

PayPal Info: Donate through PayPal (my email is cesmith1@catamount.wcu.edu or use my cell #) just make sure you click "personal" and pay through your PayPal balance or a bank account that is linked to your account. Otherwise there is a small fee and neither of us wants that :)

An Evening in Charleston

At the Battery in Downtown Charleston

This was in my journal from March 26th, 2010....  

"I've always envied those people, women in particular, who just seem to be able to do anything independently. Not the ones who have to because they are loners or social outcasts but the ones who seem so secure with themselves that they have no problem going away alone and actually enjoy it. I've always wanted to be able to do it but would not because I didn't know what I would do with myself or whether it was safe.

I'm laying in bed, in a cabin, at a campground and I am alone and it is fun. I'm getting up in six hours to run a 10K across a bridge with 40,000 other people and I will be all by myself. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and having a great time. But am I crazy? Normal people don't do things like this... Will it be all I've cracked it up to be? Who knows, but I'm proud of myself and thankful to God for an amazing life and such wonderful opportunities."

Here's the point... I ran the race and it WAS a blast!  At the end of the race I arrived in a park in downtown Charleston.  These two girls asked me to take their picture and then invited me out for drinks (Hey, it's Charleston and we were on King St. what did you expect?)... It didn't stop there.  Then they invited me to a Citadel vs. App State baseball game (where I got to see App get beat, which never happens in Cullowhee). 

I did it... I am the girl who can do anything by myself just because I felt like it.  I can go on vacation to another city, run a race, go out for drinks with strangers (ok, that sounds way worse than it was), make new friends, sit on the beach alone and revel in God's beauty.

"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."
Me with my new friends at the baseball game.