Be Fearless

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

--John 16:32-33 MSG

Once Upon A Time...

The world keeps trying to sell me fairy tales. It used to just be the idea of a fairy tale but every now and then it actually tries to hand me one of my own. I'm not sure how I feel about that....

You see, the problem with fairy tales is that the only thing they are actually good for is telling really great stories. They aren't real and they always end way too soon. They don't give you the whole story or the whole picture. Fairy tales don't tell you about the "ever after". And what if the "ever after" doesn't look at all like you imagined?

What if "ever after" is actually late nights arguing about all the time your husband spends at work and not with you and your children? What if "ever after" is accompanied by a husband that falls into alcohol or drug addictions? What if "ever after" is an occasional night with your kids at the local Holiday Inn because you don't want to be around "Prince Charming" and his verbal abuse? What if "ever after" is boredom accompanied by a desire to gain affections from strangers and comfort from pornography?

They say love is blind but I just think it's selective. All the warning signs are usually there but we choose not to heed their warnings because we would rather enjoy the fairy tale. It isn't that we didn't see them. It's that we chose to sweep them under the carpet. We like to think things will change. We like to think we can fix things. We like to see the good in people and imagine the best. We like to pretend we can't see the truth. We like pretending we are blind because then we don't have to take responsibility.

But five, ten, thirty years from now when we are no longer in the "once upon a time" stage and instead in the midst of "ever after" will we wish we had taken some time to consider what our "ever after" would look like?

 

Wishes and Whys

Sometimes what life throws at us is beyond unfair. Sometimes the lemons are so sour we can't imagine ever being able to make lemonade out of it. Sometimes it seems life has conquered us and not the other way around.

Six months ago one of my best and oldest friends died of an accidental overdose. I realize many could read this and stereotype her into a certain image in their heads. But Brandi is more than a statistic. She was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend and a mother. She can't be defined by the product of her experiences. I will only allow her to be defined by her heart and its actions. Brandi loved, she sacrificed, she dreamed, and she cared.

Brandi and her son, Ethan, the day he was born.

I have found myself asking the question,"why?" a lot over the last six months. "Why did she die? Why, God, didn't you intervene? Why, God, didn't you have a better plan? Why did she take that pill? Why! Why? Why!?" There are so many whys and most of them I pushed aside simply so that I could find a way to continue functioning because there was nothing in me to give to finding answers. There are so many things I don't know and only a few that I do.

I know that I wish I could have told her I loved her just a few more times. I wish I would have hugged her just a little bit longer. I wish I would have called her a thousand more times. I wish I had told her again how incredible she was. I wish I would have known to not take those moments for granted. I wish...I wish...I wish... Tonight I might sit here and write her a birthday letter with everything I wish I had said but it won't do any good because it is too late.

But there's one wish that does still matter and it's everything I wish I could tell you. I wish we would take the focus off ourselves and step out of our bubbles. I wish we would stop worrying what people will think and simply be honest about what we love about each other. I wish we would figure out how to make more time for each other and the memories that will matter. I wish we would hug a little longer. I wish we would tell each other what makes the other so fantastic. I wish we would forgive a little easier and love a lot more. I wish we would see what it is often too late to see.

Go make your friends see what they are worth to the world so you will never have to say, "I wish". And by doing so you will be helping to remove some of the sour from the lemons I'm trying to make into lemonade. And hey, by the way..... I love you! Seriously!

"Life's Like This..."

I have this faint memory from the ninth grade. It was a Thursday in the Fall of 2001. I was in the girls' bathroom of the 800 building at AC Flora High School, a building that I'm pretty sure no longer exists.

This cute, little blond girl started talking to me. We had a class together but I didn't really know her. I was new to the district, new to the town, new to the state and new to the south. Basically, I was just new and I'm sure it was plastered all over me. I was 14 and clueless. Luckily, so was she. After all, who isn't in the ninth grade?

She invited me to go to opening day at the fair that night. I don't remember anything about it but I know we were almost instantly best friends.

One of my favorite memories is the afternoon we got out the video camera and choreographed a music video to Avril Lavigne's "Complicated," complete with costume changes and multiple settings (If I ever find it... I will post it). I swear this song seems to play on the radio much more often since she's been gone and every time I hear it I ache for one more chance to tell her how special she is. But still, I'm thankful to hear it because it gives me the chance to remember her carefree smile and laugh before the world came along with all of its destruction, let downs and heart break.

It's a moment I can look to and rid myself of the haunting memory of the pain that lingered behind each smile in her last few years. A pain that I knew existed and yet failed to find a way to remove.  For a moment, I'm taken back to innocence and ignorance. A time when we still had the chance to achieve every dream we'd ever dreamt. A time when we were responsible for nothing but homework.



*Brandi, saying "Happy Birthday" seems like such a bizarre thing to say today but either way you should know that you aren't forgotten and you are just as loved as ever.*

I Am Her...

A work in progress...

I am not a porn star but my friend is.

She is me and I am her.

I have never been a stripper but my friend was.

She is me and I am her.

I have never sold my body for food or money but my friend did.

She is me and I am her.

Do you know her, my friend? 

When you see her

Remember she is me and I am her

---------------------------------------------------

She is someone's daughter.

She is precious and adored.

She was once a little girl.

She danced around the house

And dreamed of big adventures.

Today she is a conquest

An accomplishment

Helping you forget.

She paints on a smile

Plays the part you pay to see.

Gives you everything

And returns with nothing.

Ten Years Later...

I am a very sentimental person.  I love looking through old pictures and journals or reading notes that I passed with my friends in high school.  I love reminiscing and I just want to cherish every experience and laugh with the people who are part of those memories.  But people are important to me and no matter what, I am still a “remember when” type of girl.  At times, I have even been mistaken for living in the past when really I just appreciate my life experiences so much that I do not want to forget them and I appreciate each one (even the tough ones).

So naturally, I often randomly think about what my life was like five or ten years ago.  It just so happens that now, this weekend, the thought holds a stronger significance.  Where was I on September 11^th, 2001 and who was I?   I can’t say that I was personally impacted or knew someone who was impacted but I can look at what I learned about myself and people through the experience. 

I’d been in high school for just over a month and had so much to learn.  I was insecure and completely oblivious. I had only been living in the south for a little over a year and was still getting used to the different culture and belief systems (but that, my friends, is a whole different topic).  Although I was only 14, I had already bought into the lie that my value and significance came from guys.  If guys (even ones I didn’t like and found to be annoying) paid me attention, if they were trying to talk to me or get me to date them, then it gave me power and a sense of being worth something.   I was worth time and energy, I was desired and I was wanted (even if it was just to show off).  Man, was I a dope!

So on September 11^th, I went to school like every other day.  My first class was Russian from 8-9:30.  We were in the 800 building (a building that as far as I know no longer even exists) at A.C. Flora High School in a classroom the size of a closet.  Louis, Molly, Jamie and Brandi are among the people I remember being there with me and we were cut off from the world, completely oblivious of anything that was going on around us.  At 9:30, we switched classes and there was a buzz in the air.  Something was off but we still had no clue.  Math with Coach Jackson began at 9:36 and I walked into the room completely unaware of why the television was on and the Coach was just sitting at his desk staring into space.  People weren’t quiet but they weren’t loud, they were just sort of fuzzy.  Some, most likely the ones who actually understand, were extremely shaken up while others, more like me, just couldn’t seem to grasp what the big deal was.  

I was fourteen years, selfish and unaware, living in my own little world.  I sat at my desk with two of my closest friends, Rey and Joseph, as people whispered about the images on the TV screen mounted above the door.  I was being told that an airplane crashed into a tower in NYC and another crashed into an important government building in Washington D.C.  I feel like an idiot now but I just didn’t get it.  I couldn’t comprehend someone doing this on purpose.  The terms “hijacked” and “terrorist” meant nothing to me. I didn’t understand someone had done this deliberately, I also didn’t understand that there were people on the planes or that there were thousands of people in those buildings.  My brain wasn’t processing that.  I only saw it as an accidental fire and I couldn’t understand why this was news to stop school, didn’t planes crash all the time?  But then, another plane came crashing in and I understood it wasn’t an accident.

Coach Jackson kept picking up the phone and trying to make a phone call but it wasn’t going through.  Our big, funny, tough guy teacher was terrified and we didn’t know why.  We later discovered that his sister worked next door to the Pentagon and he couldn’t get her to pick up her phone.

I don’t remember anything else from the school day.  My memories from math class are vivid but the rest of the day is a blank.  I imagine we must have continued to watch the news and discuss it in my other classes, especially since they were ROTC and History. 

Now that I think about it, I probably don’t have any memories from History class because the boy I liked was in that class and I can tell you for sure that he was just as stupid as me.  Not one of us had a clue about the significance of that day.  Or maybe he did but he just really didn’t care.  It is hard to say but I do remember sitting on my front porch that night talking to him on the phone.  He told me that his little sister (who was a year or two younger than me) was glued to the television and she was “making this huge deal about everything”.   As he mocked her, I remember feeling as if I knew better, that his words were cruel and that I would be much better off watching the news than talking to him.  But I continued right along with my conversation and even pulled the “so when are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend already?” card.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen; I was so self-absorbed that in the midst of destruction, heartache and devastation I felt it necessary to get this boy that I had been flirting with to be my boyfriend.  I am ashamed to say that my biggest care of the day was whether we would officially start dating.  It was all about me. 

Now ten years later, I don’t know that girl anymore.   That relationship only lasted about a month but it was one of the ugliest experiences I have ever had with a guy.  I wish I could tell you I got a clue right after that breakup but I didn’t.  The experience only added fuel to the flame of the lies I believed about my worth.  It has been ten years since September 11^th, the first five years I spent believing lies about how little I was worth and learning to dream small so as not to be disappointed. The five years after that were spent uncovering the truth about who I am, learning to identify lies and counterfeit thoughts and discovering what I was created for and where my purpose and value comes from.

At times I can still be pretty selfish but I have learned to look out instead of in.  Now, my greatest pleasure does come from serving those around me.  I have found that through reaching out, I form the greatest bonds and memories.

I realize this is not the typical September 11^th but I wasn’t directly impacted and I will not pretend I was. That would be wrong.  However, I am an American and this is my redemption story.

For Brandi and Ben

Just two weeks ago, I was standing in front of a casket that held the body of my best friend. It barely looked like her and that only made me angry. I'd just driven almost twelve hours, alone in the car and I couldn't figure out what I was expecting to find or receive when I got there. I was so angry standing in that room filled with strangers, there were so many strange faces floating all around me. Even while clinging to the strong arm of a devoted friend I had to do everything in my power to keep from screaming out in anger and loneliness, "Who are you people?! Why are you here?! Did you even know this girl, I mean did you REALLY know this girl? Did you know even one thing about her heart, her passions, her journey? Did you sit back and watch as her heart was breaking? Did you do anything about it? Did you even try? Who the heck are you and why are you here?"

But clearly one can not behave like that in public so instead I ran away. I allowed myself to cry momentarily in a back hallway of the funeral home and then I reemerged with my big girl, "everything is going to be ok," game face on. Why? I don't know. I guess because the event was making me (subconsciously) regress to high school, a time that I always felt I had to have it all together, I couldn't let anyone know the tragedies that were taking place behind my smile, people thought I knew what I was doing and who was I to tell them other wise. I had to be the responsible one, the calm one, the one people could depend on.

Why!? Why are we always so afraid of making a scene? I'm not saying I should have been allowed to yell at all those people but maybe I should have given myself some sort of grace, to have taken off my mask and bawled my eyes out on the floor by her side, to have apologized for all the ways I failed her over the years, all the times I was selfish and didn't get around to returning her phone calls, for not fighting harder for her and to apologize for not having any clue how to now protect her beautiful baby boy. I should have let it all out right then and there in front of all those strangers but instead I ran away.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know how to accept the cold, hard truth so I got in the car, went to dinner and ate LOTS of Italian food and wine because I know how to eat (and yes, I even danced a little), that is easier than attempting to sort out my feelings. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions or the situation. I ran away to a place that I did not have to be responsible, where I wouldn't have to think about it.

While back at home, in NJ, my beautiful friends made it their mission to continually pursue me, encourage me and support me through phone calls, text messages and facebook. My core group of friends stood by me and refused to let me struggle alone.

I'm still experiencing moments when I feel the urge to call her and tell her something random, I still occasionally start laughing as I think of things that only she would think are funny. I shake my head and laugh at the stupid and idiotic things we did in high school and I still continue to dream about her beautiful face and life and I pray that these memories never go away.

Now, two weeks later, some of my dear friends, many the same ones who have been working so hard to encourage me, are experiencing their very own personal tragedy, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of their good friend, Ben.

Although I never knew Ben, my heart is breaking for his life cut short, his family and his friends. I have found no explanation that lessens the struggle, I have found no specific words that make me feel better but I've discovered how strongly a friend's love can light up your life. This is my thank you to each of you who have poured out your love on me in the last two weeks. It has made all the difference. And now if I can do the same for you please let me know. And if you can learn from my mistakes, please do. You do not need to be strong (God is enough for the both of you), you do not have to have it all together (it only makes others feel that they should too), don't worry what others will think when you are vulnerable, cry (even when people say don't) and celebrate every good memory!


Originally written on August 23, 2011

Seek Me and You Will Find Me...

Sorry about the typos... I wrote this on my phone while at the beach.

"You will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."
John 16:22

I feel bad for people who believe this world was all an accident, that it just appeared for no reason. They must miss some of the wonder of it all. I don't care how beautiful you think something is, I don't believe you can truly appreciate, truly see all of its beauty and character if you don't know the one who made it.
All this noise, the wooshing and the crashing of the waves might seem chaotic to some. For me, it is calming. It is the perfect example of everything working in harmony. How do the tides work? Why do the waves crash where they do?

I can stand here completely still and just stare. The wind blowing around me, the sand between my toes, heels sinking deeper and I forget all about the chaos in my life. I no longer question, "What comes next?" or "Why did that happen?" The sun is making its way down. The tide is coming in (or going out I don't really know), everything is doing exactly what it should be doing. Nothing is stopping to say, "Hey God, are you sure you still want me to do this?". All of nature is at peace, each piece knows their part and for this moment I am a piece of it. The waves hop forward as if to say, "We are glad you joined us."

I came here in search of answers (I was in the gym and felt the call so I got in the car and drove). I didn't actually get any, but I find myself at peace again because God arranged a beautiful date just for me. Just like me, God wants to be pursued. He wants us to search him out. When we seek him with all of our hearts we find him. I didn't get any answers because I don't need them but I am fulfilled because I had the chance to sit at my creator's feet and absorb his love.

Interestingly enough, as I was driving home He gave me a verse which I think sort of has an answer to my questions. It is one that I have heard and read 100 times but I felt His heart this time and new words stood out to me, "For I know the plans I have for you. Says the Lord. Plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO HARM you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."

I've never doubted that God had a plan but it was nice to be reminded that the plan is to prosper me and not to harm. It was comforting to know that in the midst of all my questions about his plan that He promises me a prosperous future filled with hope.


This old man walked by as I was sitting there. 
He insisted that I have a picture of myself because my

friends would never believe I was barefoot.



The Best is Yet to Come...

Sometimes things happen in life that we just don't understand.  Last summer, I was so sure that God was leading me to take that trip.  Everything came together so easily, I even wrote in my journal one night that the only way it wouldn't happen is if God did something drastic.  The next day, I got the phone call about the job up here in Camden.  So the plans changed... and just because I felt like God was leading me didn't mean I didn't have questions about how it all happened...

Graduating college and entering the real world is a hard enough transition but moving 600 miles and walking away from The Grove (and my college friends) was the hardest decision.  For years, I swore I would never live in Bryson City but then I found The Grove.  I will never forget walking in the doors that very first Sunday.  I knew I was home.  The Grove is not a building, The Grove is a family and a community.  The Grove is leaders and people who are willing to challenge you for the sake of your own growth.  Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through a lot over the past 24 years.  While at The Grove, God gave me sisters, brothers, moms, aunts, grandmothers and dads.  He fulfilled each and every one of my needs.  He spoke wisdom into my life through Godly woman and men.  He gave me friends who supported my decisions and only allowed me to accept the very best in my life and never settle (for anything or anyone). He put people in my life to help heal me, encourage and teach me. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for them.  For that reason, I didn't want to leave but I knew from experience (and because a lovely friend pointed it out from her own experience) that if I didn't follow God's lead he would use force to remove me and that would be even more painful. 

It was hard to walk away knowing life would go on for everyone, without me.  It isn't easy giving up a job you love to someone else (even when you want nothing but success for them), it isn't easy to have three of your closest friends announce their pregnant and you know you won't be there to celebrate with them along the way.  It is hard to walk away knowing the best is yet to come for that place (I know it sounds selfish but I am being honest here).  But as hard as it was, I had to have faith in what The Grove had given me and step out in it.  I had to believe that God knew what he was doing and that the best was yet to come for me as well.

 So now, here I am and it is February.  Because this is a public forum all I will say is, the job was nothing like it should have been. The past 6 and a half months were an extreme struggle.  My poor family watched as I walked around in a zombie-like state attempting to figure out what had gone wrong.  No one knew what to do or say.  I didn't feel like myself and I didn't act like myself.

Everyone did their best to encourage me and I did my best to trust God that he had a plan.  For months, every church service I attended was based on the theme of "surviving trials" and I did my best to withstand the attacks.  I would hear that we shouldn't go around defeated and that we should be speaking about how great God was and how he was going to get me through.  These were all things I knew and believed in my heart but the "zombie" just wouldn't let it out of me.  I felt like I was being suffocated.  I wondered things like, "Where are you God", "How come every time I pray it gets harder instead of easier?" and "If I am praying against attacks why are they coming on even stronger?"

I began attending a church called True North and I felt strongly that I was supposed to be there.  They even had a Ladies' Comfort Food Night that reminded me so much of The Grove's Ladies' Chocolate Night (and ladies, they rocked it!! They even had guys valet parking our cars and waiting on our tables!).  The only problem was the "zombie" was taking so much of my energy I didn't have anything in me to get involved at church like I knew I should.  This I think added to the cycle.  Here I was a person who was so used to being involved at church, I was used to being the go-to person, the "go-for", the greeter and the kids' girl, I was used to knowing everything that was going on and used to knowing everyone.  All of a sudden, I was on the other side of it.  I was the guest, I was the person who didn't know what was going on, where I should be or who all the people were.  This was draining!!  But you know what? 

One Sunday morning (in January) I woke up and as I was getting ready for church I had a vision of myself as a plant (and I specifically thought bamboo, although I thought it was weird) that had been sitting in its pot just absorbing and absorbing and now it was time to grow, but not just grow, burst up.  It came back to me again during worship that morning and once more when the pastor began discussing John 15 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit..." A few weeks later I heard on the radio that Chinese bamboo trees show no growth for the first four years they are planted but then in one year (the fifth year) they grow 80 feet in one season.  It turns out during the first 4 years the tree was developing its underground root system. "Had the tree not developed a strong unseen foundation it could not have sustained its life as it grew."  After that Sunday, the themes in messages and my personal readings changed.  It was no longer about making it through the trial.  I had made it through the trial. The job had not changed but God finally had gotten me above the surface. 

Time after time, I said things like, "You know, God, I could have been waking up in Yellowstone today!" or "Why am I not in New Zealand?"  But God is funny, have you seen what happened in Australia two weeks ago?  There was a cyclone the same week I was supposed to be there. I am not saying I wouldn't have survived but it sure would have made for a bad trip.  So here is what I know, God has a purpose for me in New Jersey. I begged him for months to get me out of the situation I was in but also committed to giving my all as long as he wanted me there.  Finally, last week, he gave me the go ahead and I resigned.  I do not feel like a quitter because I know I gave it everything and I have amazing memories of moments with each child that let me know I did not fail.  I know God can and will take care of my children. 

As for what's up next in my life...

I have no clue. I know that I have very much enjoyed being around my family.  That has been a blessing!!  I love getting to love on my three little cousins and feel very strongly that they (especially the girls) need me to be here as an encouraging Christian female in their lives.  I have so many family members here that I get to now be part of their lives and I feel like that is part of the ministry God is currently calling me to. 

I know that I love The Grove and I miss my family there SO MUCH but I am also at peace now knowing that God has moved us all forward just like I knew he would.  For months I was that little bamboo plant and I felt like I was getting no where but I sprouted and shot up.  The "zombie" is gone and Catherine is back.  I just became co-captain of the greeting team (while the other captain takes some maternity time off) at True North, I am going on a ski trip next week, I am signed up for an Align class (which I am hoping will help me to continue to discover more about True North's vision), I am part of the new event planning team and I am in a reality group.  I am just getting started with all of this but it feels so great because these are the things that make me, me!

There are still many things I do not understand and I probably never will but I know God is good and I trust he has my best interests at heart.  So I don't really know what is next but I am believing big things for 2011, I know there are life changing miracles ahead because the best is yet to come!

"Your critics and those who would put you down are always limited by their own perspective, but you can create for yourself a perspective that is void of limitations!"
--Peter J. Daniels

Well... Who Would Have Thought?

Well, out of NOWHERE I have been offered a teaching position!  I stopped applying for jobs back in early March and haven't thought a thing about it since. But the way this all came together out of nowhere definitely got my attention so... I am now going to be teaching 2nd grade at ECO Charter School in Camden, NJ.  Ten minutes from a LOT of family and five minutes from Philadelphia! 

But DON'T Worry!! I have been assured that my summers are mine to do what I would like with so my hope is to still do the road trip next summer!!  I am also hoping to get to still visit New Zealand this winter just for a shorter period of time.  I will let you all know more later...