For Brandi and Ben

Just two weeks ago, I was standing in front of a casket that held the body of my best friend. It barely looked like her and that only made me angry. I'd just driven almost twelve hours, alone in the car and I couldn't figure out what I was expecting to find or receive when I got there. I was so angry standing in that room filled with strangers, there were so many strange faces floating all around me. Even while clinging to the strong arm of a devoted friend I had to do everything in my power to keep from screaming out in anger and loneliness, "Who are you people?! Why are you here?! Did you even know this girl, I mean did you REALLY know this girl? Did you know even one thing about her heart, her passions, her journey? Did you sit back and watch as her heart was breaking? Did you do anything about it? Did you even try? Who the heck are you and why are you here?"

But clearly one can not behave like that in public so instead I ran away. I allowed myself to cry momentarily in a back hallway of the funeral home and then I reemerged with my big girl, "everything is going to be ok," game face on. Why? I don't know. I guess because the event was making me (subconsciously) regress to high school, a time that I always felt I had to have it all together, I couldn't let anyone know the tragedies that were taking place behind my smile, people thought I knew what I was doing and who was I to tell them other wise. I had to be the responsible one, the calm one, the one people could depend on.

Why!? Why are we always so afraid of making a scene? I'm not saying I should have been allowed to yell at all those people but maybe I should have given myself some sort of grace, to have taken off my mask and bawled my eyes out on the floor by her side, to have apologized for all the ways I failed her over the years, all the times I was selfish and didn't get around to returning her phone calls, for not fighting harder for her and to apologize for not having any clue how to now protect her beautiful baby boy. I should have let it all out right then and there in front of all those strangers but instead I ran away.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know how to accept the cold, hard truth so I got in the car, went to dinner and ate LOTS of Italian food and wine because I know how to eat (and yes, I even danced a little), that is easier than attempting to sort out my feelings. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions or the situation. I ran away to a place that I did not have to be responsible, where I wouldn't have to think about it.

While back at home, in NJ, my beautiful friends made it their mission to continually pursue me, encourage me and support me through phone calls, text messages and facebook. My core group of friends stood by me and refused to let me struggle alone.

I'm still experiencing moments when I feel the urge to call her and tell her something random, I still occasionally start laughing as I think of things that only she would think are funny. I shake my head and laugh at the stupid and idiotic things we did in high school and I still continue to dream about her beautiful face and life and I pray that these memories never go away.

Now, two weeks later, some of my dear friends, many the same ones who have been working so hard to encourage me, are experiencing their very own personal tragedy, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of their good friend, Ben.

Although I never knew Ben, my heart is breaking for his life cut short, his family and his friends. I have found no explanation that lessens the struggle, I have found no specific words that make me feel better but I've discovered how strongly a friend's love can light up your life. This is my thank you to each of you who have poured out your love on me in the last two weeks. It has made all the difference. And now if I can do the same for you please let me know. And if you can learn from my mistakes, please do. You do not need to be strong (God is enough for the both of you), you do not have to have it all together (it only makes others feel that they should too), don't worry what others will think when you are vulnerable, cry (even when people say don't) and celebrate every good memory!


Originally written on August 23, 2011