".... A Fun New Journey!"

Don't you love when Facebook pops up with an old status update in your side bar? It almost always makes me smile. Today, it gave me my status from one year ago (August 22, 2010). I had just moved back to NJ after being away for ten years and was experiencing my first Sunday away from The Grove.
           
Upon the suggestion of my Aunt I went to visit a church she suggested that morning. Maybe my guard was up, maybe it was just too soon, maybe I was being extra critical because I know what I like and don't like about churches or maybe it just wasn't the right time. For whatever reason, my insides didn't scream, "THIS IS IT!" when I walked in the door or at all while I was there. People were nice enough, I introduced myself to the Senior Pastor and he was very genuinely excited to meet me. He insisted his wife would love to meet me as well but was unfortunately in a meeting. Instead he introduced me to his daughter who was also really sweet and I knew I could be friends with her. But off I went, disappointed that I hadn't found the church for me.

Playing in the snow with some of
my favorite Grove women!

As I returned home from church, I began receiving text messages from friends at The Grove in response to the "What's Happening At The Grove" video featuring my goodbye.This only made me miss my normal Sunday routine more, my "Monkeys" and "KangaRoos" (their smiles, giggles and cries), the specialty coffee bar, David King and his smile at the back door as Jodi and I wander around trying to remember all the random little things we think we can leave till the last minute, Leroy and Fannie stopping by my desk with trays of pastries as they come upstairs from the kitchen to stock the coffee bar, fighting Jeff for the opportunity to use the printer and copier followed by a sarcastic comment of some sort which really means how much he loves having me on the team, Autumn and Eliana, followed by Greg and Paula (insert the names of any family with a toddler here) coming down the hallway as they announce Emma Grace has wandered off again, all soundtracked by the amazing group of talented musicians practicing down the hall.

I can't imagine my life without these
beautiful and inspiring women!

I reminded myself in that moment that The Grove is unique and the relationships I found there could never be replaced but that at the same time I knew God had called me to NJ and it was time to move forward and trust him. So at 11:54am, I updated my Facebook with the following, "missing the Grove this morning but trying really hard to be open minded." Among the many responses was this note from my dear friend, Sarah Speier, "You are on a fun new journey! ENJOY IT!"

Well, it is now a year later and I can announce that it truly has been an amazing journey! Almost every expectation I came with has been shattered but I am in no way hung up on that. After that Sunday, I decided to just attend my Aunt's church until I figured out where I needed to be. I always knew it would be temporary but I felt like it was important to get plugged in with people while I was there. I made some amazing friends during that time and was so amazingly challenged and encouraged by so many beautiful people. The message each and every week was right on target with the challenges I was facing and I was able to just soak it all in and get charged for my week. God was definitely at work through it all but it was just a layover, not my final destination.

On a Friday, in late October, almost exactly two months after first visiting, I felt that I was supposed to go back to that first church. So... off I went. I can't say anything profound happened that day. But I believe there are two things that spoke to my heart and said, "This is where you belong." The first is that an usher sat me in the second or third row and these girls (I am pretty sure they were teenagers, sitting in the front row) realized I was sitting alone and decided to make me sit with them. I have no clue who they were and at first I was a little thrown off by the fact that they were so young but in the end I was just impressed by their boldness and excited spirits. The second defining moment was when the Senior Pastor saw me and gave me a big hug. I realize to many people this may sound strange and I don't necessarily believe he hugs everyone who visits once and returns two months later but he is an old friend of my Aunt and Uncle so I think that is why I got a hug. But for me, that hug said a lot.

Just two months earlier, I had walked away from more than just a church, a job or some friends. I had walked away from a family. I had brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, moms and dads, grandfathers and grandmothers. I had people who valued me and loved me unconditionally. I had people who challenged me and saw past my flaws. And I had DADS, men to encourage and cherish, to serve and to exemplify Christ. Because of my background, because that was something I did not grow up with God used the faithful men at The Grove to fill that void. But amongst all of that, I also played a role. I was a sister, a daughter, an aunt, granddaughter and strange as it sounds, even a mom. And although I had been making friends and being encouraged at my aunt's church I still felt like just another face in the crowd.  I still felt like someone attending an event and I wasn't sure what more my role there was.  As I said before I love these people (it just wasn't where I was supposed to be) and I found friends in the crowd but I did not find brothers and sisters.  I didn't find moms and dads, grandmothers or grandfathers and well, the only aunt and uncle I found were really my aunt and uncle.

When I received that hug, I was acknowledged and welcomed. It said, "You mean something, you are valuable, we want you here and there is a role for you here." I can't say anything dramatic happened right away but I knew that was where I was going to be on Sunday mornings. A week or two later I attended a women's event and was introduced to a lot of people and slowly began to build connections and get involved with a reality group and a team. I've now been a part of True North for almost ten months and at times it almost makes me sick to think about how blessed I am.  After such a bizarre year, I find myself with even more joy and that is crazy!

So many people are missing out on the best life has to offer, they are sleeping through life or as my good friend, Katie (yeah, the Senior Pastor's daughter that I knew I could be friends with) would say, "They are zombies. Not dead but not alive. Just walking around bumping into things." They have no real direction, purpose, excitement or passion.




I'm blessed to be living this life! I got to spend five weeks back in May and June at The Grove visiting my NC family and working with my old team. It was a beautiful blessing that added to my year but the most exciting part was knowing that while I was enjoying every millisecond there I had another incredible family up in NJ waiting for me to return. The Grove is not True North and True North is not The Grove.

At True North, I'm getting to be a little sister, a big sister, a daughter and a friend. I have people speaking into my life and I have the opportunity to speak into other's lives. I'm surrounded by men and women (really young, sort of young and old) who LOVE Jesus and pursue him on a daily basis. Their faith is alive and a part of their everyday lives. I am surrounded by people who are LOVING life. For us it isn't about striving to survive, it is about enjoying every moment, not wasting a blessing, living fully aware! I'm blessed to have these people walking alongside me, lifting me up when I'm hurting, encouraging and challenging me with deep conversation and cracking me up on a regular basis.  The struggles still come, the questions and worry still creep up but none of that competes with the joy that comes through fully and actively engaging in life.

As the blessings continue to exceed my expectations I can't help but wonder, "What will Facebook be saying another year from now?" 

I love you all and I am so thankful that I get to experience life with you! 

"You will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."  John 16:22

For Brandi and Ben

Just two weeks ago, I was standing in front of a casket that held the body of my best friend. It barely looked like her and that only made me angry. I'd just driven almost twelve hours, alone in the car and I couldn't figure out what I was expecting to find or receive when I got there. I was so angry standing in that room filled with strangers, there were so many strange faces floating all around me. Even while clinging to the strong arm of a devoted friend I had to do everything in my power to keep from screaming out in anger and loneliness, "Who are you people?! Why are you here?! Did you even know this girl, I mean did you REALLY know this girl? Did you know even one thing about her heart, her passions, her journey? Did you sit back and watch as her heart was breaking? Did you do anything about it? Did you even try? Who the heck are you and why are you here?"

But clearly one can not behave like that in public so instead I ran away. I allowed myself to cry momentarily in a back hallway of the funeral home and then I reemerged with my big girl, "everything is going to be ok," game face on. Why? I don't know. I guess because the event was making me (subconsciously) regress to high school, a time that I always felt I had to have it all together, I couldn't let anyone know the tragedies that were taking place behind my smile, people thought I knew what I was doing and who was I to tell them other wise. I had to be the responsible one, the calm one, the one people could depend on.

Why!? Why are we always so afraid of making a scene? I'm not saying I should have been allowed to yell at all those people but maybe I should have given myself some sort of grace, to have taken off my mask and bawled my eyes out on the floor by her side, to have apologized for all the ways I failed her over the years, all the times I was selfish and didn't get around to returning her phone calls, for not fighting harder for her and to apologize for not having any clue how to now protect her beautiful baby boy. I should have let it all out right then and there in front of all those strangers but instead I ran away.

I didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't know how to accept the cold, hard truth so I got in the car, went to dinner and ate LOTS of Italian food and wine because I know how to eat (and yes, I even danced a little), that is easier than attempting to sort out my feelings. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions or the situation. I ran away to a place that I did not have to be responsible, where I wouldn't have to think about it.

While back at home, in NJ, my beautiful friends made it their mission to continually pursue me, encourage me and support me through phone calls, text messages and facebook. My core group of friends stood by me and refused to let me struggle alone.

I'm still experiencing moments when I feel the urge to call her and tell her something random, I still occasionally start laughing as I think of things that only she would think are funny. I shake my head and laugh at the stupid and idiotic things we did in high school and I still continue to dream about her beautiful face and life and I pray that these memories never go away.

Now, two weeks later, some of my dear friends, many the same ones who have been working so hard to encourage me, are experiencing their very own personal tragedy, as they struggle to come to terms with the loss of their good friend, Ben.

Although I never knew Ben, my heart is breaking for his life cut short, his family and his friends. I have found no explanation that lessens the struggle, I have found no specific words that make me feel better but I've discovered how strongly a friend's love can light up your life. This is my thank you to each of you who have poured out your love on me in the last two weeks. It has made all the difference. And now if I can do the same for you please let me know. And if you can learn from my mistakes, please do. You do not need to be strong (God is enough for the both of you), you do not have to have it all together (it only makes others feel that they should too), don't worry what others will think when you are vulnerable, cry (even when people say don't) and celebrate every good memory!


Originally written on August 23, 2011