My life, this gift I have been given, has been wasted so far. Attempting to answer meaningless questions. Recently I have come to believe there are more important questions than "how" questions. "How to get money? How to get laid? How do I become happy? How do I have fun?"On one of our trips to central Texas, I stood at the top of a desert hill and looked out at the endless heavens and as it had a few times that year, my mind fell across the question, "Why?" The rising question of why had been manifesting for some time. Our skyscrapers and sports teams, our malls and our master planned neighborhoods, our sultry media promising ecstasy with every use of specific dishwashing detergent. What did all of this mean?
...It wasn't just my faith that was being shaken. I began to wonder what personal ideas I believed that weren't true. I believed I wasn't athletic enough, too stupid. I believed I had to go to college; I believed the Astros were a more important team than the Mets; that $50 jeans were better than jeans that cost 30. I looked up at the cosmos and it had no scientific proof that any of this was true. The cosmos was just spinning around up there as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attention to the frivolity of mankind. And I liked the cosmos, I liked it very much. It seemed it understood something, perhaps humanity did not understand. I confess I wanted to believe life was bigger, larger than my presuppositions. I started wondering if life was something different than I thought it was, if there was some kind of raging beauty a person could find, that he could get caught in the why of life...
How often do we forget to contemplate the why of life and whether the way we live our lives or spend our time matters? At the end of the day, do we assess our productivity? I don't mean did we keep busy but did our efforts produce fruit? Did I invest energy and time into my dreams in a way that will lead to harvest down the road or did I simply day dream about that vision as I drove home from work? Did I make time for someone in need, putting aside self centered thoughts and thinking about others or did I dismiss that phone call because I just didn't feel like having to lend a listening ear? Did I choose to rest in a means that left my soul rejuvenated or did I crash in front of the TV? Did I feed my strength or starve my soul?
It seems to me, we only really assess our productivity when the end of the year rolls around and we begin to contemplate new resolutions or maybe on our birthdays as we realize another year has passed us by.
As I examine my own productivity and get real with myself for the first time in a while, I see that I'm full of excuses. "I'm just too busy. I'm doing everything I can," "I'm afraid of failing, afraid to actually try because I'm afraid I have no idea what I'm doing and will mess the entire thing up if I try," "I'm not spiritual enough. I don't pray enough. I shouldn't act on anything else until I figure that part of my life out," "I'm not good enough. Look at everyone else and how successful they are. She's got a book deal and she's being booked for speaking engagements, radio spots and meetings with politicians."
Somewhere along the way I have forgotten to believe in myself. I've forgotten this wasn't my idea but God's. I've forgotten He is the author of time and if He is asking me to do something then He is going to make the time. I have forgotten I can not fail at a task that He has set before me. I have forgotten He only calls the broken and flawed to impossible tasks outside their realm of expertise. I have forgotten that being "spiritual" is a bunch of crap and that the only way to move closer to God is to keep moving forward and let Him pull me in and move my heart.
It seems, in the end, my only excuse is that I have forgotten.
