Wishes and Whys

Sometimes what life throws at us is beyond unfair. Sometimes the lemons are so sour we can't imagine ever being able to make lemonade out of it. Sometimes it seems life has conquered us and not the other way around.

Six months ago one of my best and oldest friends died of an accidental overdose. I realize many could read this and stereotype her into a certain image in their heads. But Brandi is more than a statistic. She was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend and a mother. She can't be defined by the product of her experiences. I will only allow her to be defined by her heart and its actions. Brandi loved, she sacrificed, she dreamed, and she cared.

Brandi and her son, Ethan, the day he was born.

I have found myself asking the question,"why?" a lot over the last six months. "Why did she die? Why, God, didn't you intervene? Why, God, didn't you have a better plan? Why did she take that pill? Why! Why? Why!?" There are so many whys and most of them I pushed aside simply so that I could find a way to continue functioning because there was nothing in me to give to finding answers. There are so many things I don't know and only a few that I do.

I know that I wish I could have told her I loved her just a few more times. I wish I would have hugged her just a little bit longer. I wish I would have called her a thousand more times. I wish I had told her again how incredible she was. I wish I would have known to not take those moments for granted. I wish...I wish...I wish... Tonight I might sit here and write her a birthday letter with everything I wish I had said but it won't do any good because it is too late.

But there's one wish that does still matter and it's everything I wish I could tell you. I wish we would take the focus off ourselves and step out of our bubbles. I wish we would stop worrying what people will think and simply be honest about what we love about each other. I wish we would figure out how to make more time for each other and the memories that will matter. I wish we would hug a little longer. I wish we would tell each other what makes the other so fantastic. I wish we would forgive a little easier and love a lot more. I wish we would see what it is often too late to see.

Go make your friends see what they are worth to the world so you will never have to say, "I wish". And by doing so you will be helping to remove some of the sour from the lemons I'm trying to make into lemonade. And hey, by the way..... I love you! Seriously!

"Life's Like This..."

I have this faint memory from the ninth grade. It was a Thursday in the Fall of 2001. I was in the girls' bathroom of the 800 building at AC Flora High School, a building that I'm pretty sure no longer exists.

This cute, little blond girl started talking to me. We had a class together but I didn't really know her. I was new to the district, new to the town, new to the state and new to the south. Basically, I was just new and I'm sure it was plastered all over me. I was 14 and clueless. Luckily, so was she. After all, who isn't in the ninth grade?

She invited me to go to opening day at the fair that night. I don't remember anything about it but I know we were almost instantly best friends.

One of my favorite memories is the afternoon we got out the video camera and choreographed a music video to Avril Lavigne's "Complicated," complete with costume changes and multiple settings (If I ever find it... I will post it). I swear this song seems to play on the radio much more often since she's been gone and every time I hear it I ache for one more chance to tell her how special she is. But still, I'm thankful to hear it because it gives me the chance to remember her carefree smile and laugh before the world came along with all of its destruction, let downs and heart break.

It's a moment I can look to and rid myself of the haunting memory of the pain that lingered behind each smile in her last few years. A pain that I knew existed and yet failed to find a way to remove.  For a moment, I'm taken back to innocence and ignorance. A time when we still had the chance to achieve every dream we'd ever dreamt. A time when we were responsible for nothing but homework.



*Brandi, saying "Happy Birthday" seems like such a bizarre thing to say today but either way you should know that you aren't forgotten and you are just as loved as ever.*

Dear Catherine, It's Me, God...

*So... did you think the last post was crazy? If you didn't read it, you must go read that first. Otherwise, this is pointless....  Ok, did you read it?  Ok, now get ready for some more crazy. Sometimes when I am writing... things come out on the paper that I did not plan to write.  Sometimes when I am on the treadmill at the gym or driving in the car, God tells me things. I have never heard him audibly but I still know he talks to me. After all, I am his daughter.  THIS is a compilation of things he has said to me in response to the compilation of my prayers in the earlier post. I told you it was crazy, but bear with me. I think you might be able to get something out of it.*


Hi Beautiful,

Remain patient. I know you are tired of hearing me say this. I know it frustrates you when you can't interpret my time table. So don't worry about it. Allow me to take care of everything. There are many factors coming into play that you are unaware of. Some of these things will be revealed in time but others will remain hidden.
I know it is hard but try not to trust your own instincts or emotions. They have become flawed by the world. Instead, seek my voice and listen to Wisdom. For you know your emotions have failed you every other time, my voice will never lead you astray.

I know you are wondering where he is or if he is currently in your life. I hear you asking, "What is my role in all of this? God, what do you want me to do? Does he even notice me the way I notice him?"

The answer has been here all along. You are my daughter and I am the King. You, my dear, do not have to do a thing. Allow me, as your father, to do everything. Any man worthy of my princess must seek me out first. I will share with him the plan for your lives. He will be overtaken by your heart and wonder because it reminds him of me. As he seeks me, I will reveal to him how to seek you.

On the days when you wonder how he will know to seek me, trust in knowing that the man I have chosen for you is full of wisdom and knows my voice.

Finally, my dear, be yourself, be yourself, be yourself! Be beautiful, be quirky, be vibrant. That is, after all, who I created you to be.

You are fun and love life. You are encouraging and loving. The man I have chosen is head over heels for you because of all of that.

When you are overwhelmed wondering what is taking him so long remember you have caught him off guard. In his eyes, you are a shooting star that just fell out of heaven and into his lap.

And Baby Girl (who knew God would call me that? I didn't), I know you want me to get started already and I have. You must remember to have respect for the long term goal. In order to finish the race, you must take every step of every mile along the way. And yes, as you know from your running experience, it requires your full participation along the way.

Princess, I am so proud of you. Keep moving forward and pursuing your calling. Keep chasing me. There is a reason you have been called to this time alone. This task requires all of you.

Love