A Letter To My Non-Christian Friends

Dear Friends,

If you know me, it's probably fair to say you know I'm a Christian (and a fairly odd one at that). This letter is not a trick to convert you but an effort to understand how to respect you, support you and love you better.

I'm always thinking and my brain is always running (even now, after the lights are out and I'm lying in bed). Often I've wondered, "How am I portraying myself? My passions? My beliefs? My values?" And "How am I being interpreted?" I imagine it isn't often the way in which I intended. 

Besides the fact that I volunteer with an organization called XXXCHURCH and spend my free time at porn conventions, I'm a fairly odd Christian because I can't say I always see things in the same way many other Christians do. There are some things I'm completely confident in while others I just can't wrap my head around. I'm often thrown by the arrogant way in which many Christians draw their lines in the sand on issues that I find blurry and confusing. In these moments, I imagine how much more frustrated I would be if I were you. I think of all the things I would like to say to these people and I wonder what you would say if we, Christians, would ever bother to humble ourselves enough to listen, what would you want to say? What would you want the Christians in your life to know or understand? 

I don't know if anyone else will bother to reflect upon your answers, but I can tell you now that I would consider it an honor. 

Thank you for being my friends!

Love,

Catherine 

Did You Know?

I've Simply Forgotten

Over the weekend, I had the chance to listen to an abridged audio version of Donald Miller's Through Painted Deserts that I got for free here on Noise Trade. It's fabulous and I highly recommend it. Through Painted Deserts is "a road trip memoir about three months spent crossing the country in a VW camping van, wondering out loud if there is more to life than nine to five jobs and ruts the entire world seems to be stuck in." Today as I was driving home from work I turned it back on and this particular scene jumped out at me:

My life, this gift I have been given, has been wasted so far. Attempting to answer meaningless questions. Recently I have come to believe there are more important questions than "how" questions. "How to get money? How to get laid? How do I become happy? How do I have fun?"On one of our trips to central Texas, I stood at the top of a desert hill and looked out at the endless heavens and as it had a few times that year, my mind fell across the question, "Why?" The rising question of why had been manifesting for some time. Our skyscrapers and sports teams, our malls and our master planned neighborhoods, our sultry media promising ecstasy with every use of specific dishwashing detergent. What did all of this mean? 

...It wasn't just my faith that was being shaken. I began to wonder what personal ideas I believed that weren't true. I believed I wasn't athletic enough, too stupid. I believed I had to go to college; I believed the Astros were a more important team than the Mets; that $50 jeans were better than jeans that cost 30. I looked up at the cosmos and it had no scientific proof that any of this was true. The cosmos was just spinning around up there as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attention to the frivolity of mankind. And I liked the cosmos, I liked it very much. It seemed it understood something, perhaps humanity did not understand. I confess I wanted to believe life was bigger, larger than my presuppositions. I started wondering if life was something different than I thought it was, if there was some kind of raging beauty a person could find, that he could get caught in the why of life...

How often do we forget to contemplate the why of life and whether the way we live our lives or spend our time matters? At the end of the day, do we assess our productivity? I don't mean did we keep busy but did our efforts produce fruit? Did I invest energy and time into my dreams in a way that will lead to harvest down the road or did I simply day dream about that vision as I drove home from work? Did I make time for someone in need, putting aside self centered thoughts and thinking about others or did I dismiss that phone call because I just didn't feel like having to lend a listening ear? Did I choose to rest in a means that left my soul rejuvenated or did I crash in front of the TV? Did I feed my strength or starve my soul?

It seems to me, we only really assess our productivity when the end of the year rolls around and we begin to contemplate new resolutions or maybe on our birthdays as we realize another year has passed us by.

As I examine my own productivity and get real with myself for the first time in a while, I see that I'm full of excuses. "I'm just too busy. I'm doing everything I can," "I'm afraid of failing, afraid to actually try because I'm afraid I have no idea what I'm doing and will mess the entire thing up if I try," "I'm not spiritual enough. I don't pray enough. I shouldn't act on anything else until I figure that part of my life out," "I'm not good enough. Look at everyone else and how successful they are.  She's got a book deal and she's being booked for speaking engagements, radio spots and meetings with politicians."

Somewhere along the way I have forgotten to believe in myself. I've forgotten this wasn't my idea but God's. I've forgotten He is the author of time and if He is asking me to do something then He is going to make the time.  I have forgotten I can not fail at a task that He has set before me. I have forgotten He only calls the broken and flawed to impossible tasks outside their realm of expertise. I have forgotten that being "spiritual" is a bunch of crap and that the only way to move closer to God is to keep moving forward and let Him pull me in and move my heart.

It seems, in the end, my only excuse is that I have forgotten.