What's in store? A life of porn....

I am excited to announce I have been invited to join the XXXChurch team for two incredible outreaches in the next year. First, I will be returning to EXXXotica NJ in November 2012, and in the spring of 2013, I will be joining the XXXChurch International team in Australia.

This type of outreach can be very expensive because "showing up" the XXXChurch way involves actually showing up in the lives of those we are trying to reach, and this means renting a booth at the show. There is also the cost of travel, lodging and the unique "Jesus loves Porn Stars" bibles, stickers and other items we give away to the more than 28,000 people we meet at each event.
The idea of giving to this type of outreach might freak you out. It isn’t the typical and usually comfortable missions work most are used to. This isn’t Operation Christmas Child; we aren’t collecting school supplies, we aren’t giving our doggy bag to the homeless person we pass on the street. Those are all kind acts, but outreach to the sex industry falls in an entirely different category. It takes understanding, investment and time. It involves building relationships with; seeing the beauty in; and truly loving individuals who most deem unlovable, dirty and offensive. But it is needed, desperately needed. The men and women working in this industry (and consuming their products) need to know they are valuable. They need to know they are not failures. They need to know they matter and are loved.

The majority of these individuals were sexually abused as children, they were stripped of their worth and made to feel dirty. Many of them were trafficking victims and have only ever known survival through a world of sex. Most want to leave the industry but feel they have no other means for survival. That’s where XXXChurch comes in. We won’t tell anyone to leave the industry, we won’t tell them to become Christians (honestly, that isn’t our goal), but we will tell them they are loved. And when they ask us what we do, we will tell them: “XXXChurch.com is a nonprofit Christian website with resources for individuals who are in over their heads with pornography and support for individuals working in the industry who are interested in a career change.”

I know what you are thinking, “But your goal really is to get them to quit, right?” No. That is not my goal and that is not XXXChurch’s goal. I want these men and women to know they are valuable. That is my goal. And yes, ultimately as a result of knowing how valuable they are, they will walk away, but if an individual walks away from the industry without knowing their worth, then I have still failed.

So whether you are or are not a Christian and whether you are or are not a fan of porn, if you feel like this is something you can believe in, please consider helping me raise $5000. You can give one time or you can give a small amount each month. Either way, I greatly appreciate it and promise that it will make a lasting impact on someone’s life.

You can give by following this link:
https://www.myxxxchurch.com/campaigns/view/catherinesmith.html


This photo is from EXXXotica NJ 2011. He was the recipient of the final bible we had with us.

Reckless Abandon

Sunday morning, I was getting ready for church and thinking about a fundraiser I had to go to in the afternoon. I was excited about the fundraiser and excited to learn more about the cause but I was also a little nervous because money is tight. Not only am I moving to NC in three weeks but God has yet to reveal the job he is preparing for me and I only have enough money saved to very carefully last until September. Oh... and there's this little thing called The You Are Project and oh yeah... I kind of volunteered us to help remodel the living room of the home/shelter our friends just bought in Camden....

As the numbers behind my circumstances ran through my head, the 25-30 dollars I had budgeted for the event began to seem more and more precious and valuable and I found myself saying to God, "I love being able to give but am I digging myself into a hole? When do I say no? How can I say no when there are so many real causes and needs that are desperate for support? I know you will always provide for me but surely I can't keep saying yes to it all. That can't be what you mean... I need you to teach me how to know when it's okay to stop."

A few minutes later, when I was done getting ready I opened up my Bible to do a little reading before leaving the house. I'm currently in the middle of reading The Message version of 2 Corinthians and this is part of what I read:

"God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it, He throws caution to the winds, giving to the needy in reckless abandon. His right-living, right-giving ways never run out, never wear out."

I wish I could tell you that I immediately realized God was answering my question. But I didn't. Instead I noticed it said he gives "to the needy with reckless abandon" and thought, "Oh. What a funny coincidence," continued reading and headed off to church.

At the fundraiser, I not only won the 50/50 but I also won a basket of lottery tickets in a raffle. I left the event with three times more than I came with. As I drove home, all I could think about was how blessed I was and the words "He gives with reckless abandon" cycled through my mind until I could reread chapter 9.

"God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it, He throws caution to the winds, giving to the needy in reckless abandon. His right-living, right-giving ways never run out, never wear out."

And then I saw what I could not see before. As my mom pointed out, God, just like an earthly father, answered my question with words but when I was not able to understand his explanation he gave me a physical demonstration so that I could understand this message:

Why worry about when to say no when my God can "pour on the blessings in astonishing ways" so that I'm ready to do anything and everything, more than just what needs to be done? If I am going to be like my God and my God gives to the needy in reckless abandon then I need to give with reckless abandon, not just with my money but with my time and with my love.

Porn, Strippers, XXX... and Jesus?!

      

If you pay any attention to my Facebook posts or News Feed I am sure you have some questions about what it is I was doing in Pasadena last weekend. Actually you probably just have a lot of questions in general about the things I post.

I've been spending the last few months (since November when the above video was made) trying to figure out a way to explain it to all of you. I'm still not sure I know how but I'm going to try.

I believe we, men and women, were created by God to do huge things. We were not created to do life alone. We were created to experience life not only through relationship with others but also through relationship with the one who created us. I believe the best way for us to succeed in life, the best way to do life well, is by partnering with the one who designed us.

I also believe, from my own personal experiences, that many people are believing the lie that they are on their own to navigate life. We (people) are broken and searching for meaning and looking to the wrong things for that sense of worth and purpose. Unfortunately as we search for a means of escape and fulfillment we find ourselves feeling even more alone, let down and unfulfilled.

This longing for love, purpose, validation and value is why men and women work in the sex industry. This longing and brokenness is why the sex industry grosses more annually than the MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL combined. These men and women (consumers and producers/entertainers)are here because they are believing the voice that tells them this is as good as it gets. They are believing the lie that this will bring fulfillment, approval and love. They are also believing the lie that they have to keep coming back to keep that feeling of security, belonging and acceptance from fleeing.

Maybe I haven't worked in the sex industry but it isn't because I didn't believe that lie and I'm willing to bet you have believed it too. The truth is, even if we aren't struggling with bondage connected to the sex industry we do still have an underlying issue that is the same.

And that is why my heart breaks. That is why I am so passionate about this. That is why I must invest my life in these women (and men). Because I can't know the truth and not share it.

I know how I felt as I searched for answers, security, love and belonging. I know how lost I was and I not only see that when I look into the eyes of the men and women I meet at the porn shows and strip clubs but also when I look into the eyes of so many of you, my family and friends. I can't go through life ignoring that brokenness. I can't pretend it isn't there. I can't pretend I don't see it. I can't pretend I don't know.

Oh! And to answer your question about all those crazy posts

and what I was doing in Pasadena....

I'm partnering with XXXChurch.com and StripChurch to provide resources, support, truth and encouragement to men and women affected by involvement in the sex industry either as consumers or entertainers/producers.

XXXChurch.com is a non profit website that provides support through various resources for individuals who struggle with pornography addictions. They also provide resources for family members of men and women struggling with addictions and resources and support for individuals working in the industry.

StripChurch is a partner organization to XXX Church. They reach out to women working in strip clubs by loving them beyond measure and encouraging them through prayer, testimony and God's truths, in order to help them realize how valuable they are.

Can't Help Falling In Love...

The world loves to make us think that love is beyond control. The world tells us that we can't help who we fall in love with, just like in the song, "Can't Help Falling In Love".  But maybe we just like thinking that it is out of our control because then we don't have to take responsibility for our behavior, words and actions. Plus, if love is outside of our control then we have an excuse for when we "fall out of love" and abandon it all.

Maybe we like thinking of love as some magical gift from the Universe, God or the Fates that must be pursued. And in a way, I think this is true but only when referring to the Divine's version of love and not the world's.   

God is love and we are made in His image. We are called to do what He does and that is love without holding back, love when it isn't necessary, love when it isn't deserved. Just Love. So in a way, I don't think we have control over that but I do think Satan has twisted this natural thing created by God. He has skewed the definition by injecting it with lust, impatience, loneliness, selfishness and insecurity. He has put our natural instinct to love on steroids and instructed us on ways to show this love and he has lied to us.

But really... Love is sacrifice. Look at Christ, how he lived and how he died (all by choice). Really what we do with love is a choice. Loving should not be considered under our control. Love really is not a choice when you recognize who's image you bear. We were made to love but what we choose to do with love is a choice. How we choose to respond to love is a choice. We are responsible for our choices, actions and words. Maybe we can't help who we love but we can take responsibility for how we love and who's model we will follow; God's or the world's.

The Voices In Your Head

What do you tell yourself when you are lying in bed alone? Being left alone too long with your own thinking can be dangerous. If someone else walked up and said these things, how would you react? Would you be offended, get angry, just accept them or agree?  I tend to think we would get angry and offended so why do we allow ourselves to hurl these insults?

In The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe Edmund is put under a spell by The White Witch when he eats the Turkish Delight she gave him.  From that very moment, thoughts that are not his own begin to take root in his mind.  The thoughts are so deceptive and the roots so deep that Edmund is not even able to realize they are not his own.

Be sure you are guarding your heart, your mind and your thoughts. Meditate on the truth so that you will be able to recognize anything that is not. Don't allow your thoughts to become aligned with the enemy. Don't take even one bite of the Turkish Delight (actually don't even step foot in the sleigh). Start speaking truth and stating things that align with you REALLY are!

Challenge: Pick ten things that are great about you and start speaking them over your life daily.  If you are having trouble coming up with ideas, ask a friend or ask me! I think you are great!

Once Upon A Time...

The world keeps trying to sell me fairy tales. It used to just be the idea of a fairy tale but every now and then it actually tries to hand me one of my own. I'm not sure how I feel about that....

You see, the problem with fairy tales is that the only thing they are actually good for is telling really great stories. They aren't real and they always end way too soon. They don't give you the whole story or the whole picture. Fairy tales don't tell you about the "ever after". And what if the "ever after" doesn't look at all like you imagined?

What if "ever after" is actually late nights arguing about all the time your husband spends at work and not with you and your children? What if "ever after" is accompanied by a husband that falls into alcohol or drug addictions? What if "ever after" is an occasional night with your kids at the local Holiday Inn because you don't want to be around "Prince Charming" and his verbal abuse? What if "ever after" is boredom accompanied by a desire to gain affections from strangers and comfort from pornography?

They say love is blind but I just think it's selective. All the warning signs are usually there but we choose not to heed their warnings because we would rather enjoy the fairy tale. It isn't that we didn't see them. It's that we chose to sweep them under the carpet. We like to think things will change. We like to think we can fix things. We like to see the good in people and imagine the best. We like to pretend we can't see the truth. We like pretending we are blind because then we don't have to take responsibility.

But five, ten, thirty years from now when we are no longer in the "once upon a time" stage and instead in the midst of "ever after" will we wish we had taken some time to consider what our "ever after" would look like?

 

Pharisee, Disciple, Believer or Rich Man, Who Are You?

How often do you hear people say,"It was so easy for people who were alive when Jesus was alive. They didn't have to deal with doubt and faith. They could just ask Jesus whatever they wanted." But really was it?

Jesus wasn't the first man to show up and perform miracles, he wasn't the first one to have followers. Just like we often find ourselves saying, "Is that you, God?" The people of his time were doing the same. They wanted to be faithful, they didn't want to jump ahead of God and they wanted Him to fit inside their box of understanding so that they would clearly recognize Him when he arrived.

Before we judge the people of that time for being "completely stupid" and missing the point, I have to ask, 'Haven't we all been there?' Maybe instead of trying to understand, predict or fit God into a box, they could have spent that energy on getting to know Him, His heart, His reactions and His character. If the Pharisees had done this, I think they would have recognized him.

As I dig deeper into scripture, I come across the story of a very rich man (Mark 10).  This man had been "good" his entire life, he had honored his mother and father and been faithful.  It even sounds like he really truly believed that Jesus was who he said he was.  But when Jesus asked the man to leave everything behind and "come follow me" his heart was heavy because he was holding on tight to a lot of things. I don't think the man really believed that any of these material things were more important than Jesus. I just think he was afraid.  It was too much, too fast and Jesus was asking him to dive in way past his comfort zone.  Unfortunately the man missed out on incredible blessings and the greatest relationship he would ever know because he couldn't bring himself to trust. 

I might not be having a problem with an abundance of money but there are things he is continuously asking me to let go of...  some of these things are harder than others to let go of and well... sometimes I have to ask him to pry it out of my hand because I just don't know how to let go.

So if we were each to take a role in the stories who would you be? Would you doubt him? Deny him? Abandon everything to follow him? Chase him down when you had a need? Or decide that following him is just too risky?

Watching The Sunrise...

When we go out of our way for God, he goes out of his way for us. 

Did you ever notice how every couple seems to have "a place"? You know, the place they return to whenever they want a romantic getaway.  Maybe it's the park where they first held hands, or the town they went away to on their honeymoon. Maybe it's the city they went to college in.  For whatever reason that place holds a special place in their heart, that is the place they can go and be reminded of their love for one another.  It's the place they go to fall in love again.

If you know anything about me, you know that if I could be anywhere I would be on a quiet beach.  It's my quiet place, my resting place, my outdoor sanctuary, it's my place with God.  It's our emergency getaway place, the place where he captures my heart all over again.

Another thing you should know about me is that I HATE to get up early.  If you can get me to wake up early (and actually be cheerful about it) then you should feel pretty special because it means you are important to me!

Last weekend, I was in Virginia Beach with some girls from True North for the Devoted Conference (this was written a year ago after the 2011 Devoted).  We were literally there for less than 48 hours and had many, many amazing things to do during that time. I was incredibly encouraged and touched by the worship and the speakers but found myself yearning for something more as we bounced around from activity to activity.  Although I was in the Lord's presence, I was craving time alone with Him. Time I wouldn't have to share with anyone else.  I was so desperate for this time that I tried to convince the girls I was staying with that it was completely safe and okay for me to go out on the beach at 11:00 Friday night.  They wouldn't allow it.  So... I went to bed disappointed because I knew that we were leaving the following morning and I would not get to meet with God in our place.

As I lay in bed that night I realized what I needed to do, what I wanted to do but only wished could come later in the day.  God was asking me to meet him for an early morning sunrise date.  As excited as I was to watch the sunrise there was very little excitement over getting up at 6:00 when it was already after 1am but hey, we do crazy things when we're in love...

FAST FORWARD TO THE MORNING....

Everyone was sleeping as I snuck around the room looking for warm clothes, shoes and socks.  I wondered to myself what they would think about me going on the beach this early (since they didn't want me to go so late) and I wondered if I should tell someone... but was reminded of one of the conference speakers' words, "My faith is stronger than my fear" and I told myself that I would be perfectly safe because God had called me out on this date and he would watch over me. 

As I walked out the door of the hotel and down the street towards the beach a line from a song played over and over in my head, "Your love never fails. It never gives up, it never runs out on me..."

I thought about the clouds and how on really cloudy days you can't really see the sun rise but they are used to make the event so spectacular. I realized that the clouds in our lives are what add the beauty to the bigger events for us and I kept on walking....

Then, as I stepped off the "boardwalk" (anyone from Jersey knows this is not an actual boardwalk) and into the sand my heart leapt within me as the waves crashed into the air greeting me. 

As always the little girl in me began asking for a "present".  "I would really, really love to see a dolphin (it's the thing I ask for every time I am at the beach) or some star fish or some other rare occurance, just romance me!"  Everytime I am on the beach I begin to say to myself, "Maybe this time I will get a present..." This time God's response really got my attention, "You can't go looking and asking for gifts.  No one likes to give a surprise present to someone who is constantly begging and asking for it.  Even worse, the person who receives can not enjoy the gift-giver's heart because of all the pressure they put on them."  (I had a friend in college who ruined her boyfriend's proposal this way.  By the time he proposed she had basically said everything short of "just give me the ring")  Then He added, "Just wait for my blessing. (that sure applies in a lot of areas)"

So, I continued walking, knowing that I really didn't need any dolphins or star fish to make my date with God special.  I started pouring out my heart to God and then something stopped me.  I remembered something someone had said over the weekend, "Sometimes we get upset because God isn't answering our questions but maybe we are asking the wrong questions."  So, I changed my approach, "God I've already told you my heart's desires, I've already told you my fears and concerns.  You know them all.  What do you want to hear?  What do you want to say?"  And then, I continued walking. 

I begin to notice a huge ridge of clouds above the horizon.  Somewhere behind the clouds lies the sun. 

"He will reveal the hidden things." The sun is somewhere behind the clouds. I see it shining through a crack. I don't see the sun. Just its shine and that is reflecting on the water. What's in us shines through to those around us even when people don't see the Son (the reason for our glow) But "He will reveal the hidden things".

I find myself asking, "What do you want to hear? What do you want to say..." and then, I am interrupted by this, "Sit."  So I sit.....

Wow! There it is! There's the sun. The sun just rose in that crack and lit up the entire sky. It revealed itself and now the glow is even greater. The clouds, the water, everything has the glow... and I hear, "Can I just tell you that I love you?"

When he said sit, I could have kept going... But man, what a behold moment!!!   The sun was soon hidden again behind the next line of clouds but the extra glow was still there and then WOW, it was risen for good above all of the clouds.  No longer hidden. Clear for all to see. "Now I can see all of you and it's radiant! I can hardly look.  You're brighter than ever and glowing on my face."

5-12-10

Tonight I came across something I wrote in my writer's notebook during senior year of college... 

Why do we all think we need to fit a mold? Why do we buy into the lie that if we aren't a size 3, 120 lbs, tan, gorgeous with the most fashionable clothes, the correct accessories and a man that looks like he was pulled from the most recent Abercrombie photo shoot that there is something wrong with us?  And even when we decide those things are not what we want, we are still not satisfied because we feel judged by the world.
 
And if the pressure to meet the appearance expectations isn't strong enough there is also the expectation of meeting the life stages mold.  Meaning by a certain age we should be finishing college,settling down, getting a job, building a career, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married and having children.

So what if I am graduating college after five years and still don't really know what I want to do?  So what if I have walked away from romantic men that melted my heart because something just didn't feel right? Is there something wrong with me for getting irritated when guys constantly read into me being nice and at the same time get irritated with the guys I do like for not being able to tell the difference?

Why do all my friends think that just because I am the token single friend that they should be setting me up with people? What's the hurry?

What if we all made the choice to step out on our own, to face our fears of being alone, to explore the person we see everyday in the mirror, to set goals and accomplish them, to honor others, to make a list (and continually add to it) of the things we love about ourselves, to have the courage to dance, to exercise and eat healthy simply because it makes us feel good, to eat the chocolate cake no matter who is looking, to forgive, to learn to play drums, speak Italian or surf, to take trips with our girlfriends and to be open to love (in whatever form it comes)? What if we stopped saying someday and started saying today?

There's a reason people don't take helicopter rides to the top of Mt. Everest, the excitement isn't at the top, it's during the trials and experiences on the way up.  Today is the day to start enjoying the journey.  Today is the day we will tell our grand kids about.

Is It Worth Losing Your Life?

Last Fall, one of the classes I assisted with was a Driver's Education course. My students had to watch a documentary called, "The Last Text" (It's only 10 minutes, please watch it). It really got me thinking not only about the ways in which I have put myself in danger but the ways in which I have endangered others by texting or calling them when I know they are driving.  But then I shrugged off the feeling because it was just too difficult to break the habit. Plus I figured I was being safe.... Then tonight I came home and found this note from my grand father at the bottom of an article about distracted drivers. I decided that even if I think I am being safe the risk just isn't worth it anymore.

"I'm having you read this because we love you very much + I don't want to go to a funeral."

I never want my attempt to communicate with you to be the reason I never get to speak to you again.  If you are reading this, please know I value your life! There is a huge purpose for it and I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I am sorry for thinking I am smarter than this. Tomorrow everything changes.



Please watch this video and join me in asking the following question with every decision you make in the car, "Is this worth losing my life?" I even challenge you to ask me how I am doing with this because my life and your life is more valuable than checking my email at a red light, letting you know, "I will be right there" or tweeting the most exciting thing I have seen in the last two minutes.

I Have A Team, Do You?

I recently made a new friend. Her name is Donya and she is a writer, speaker and a dreamer. We have yet to officially meet but we started emailing after I read a comment from her on Jon Acuff's blog.

As we began emailing about our passions and similar dreams Donya asked me:

"How on Earth did you find other like minded individuals willing to jump on board? (referring to The You Are Project) I have approached several people about the plans I have and no one wants to really jump in with me. I get a lot of applause followed by 'I could never do that but you can do it.' The thing is, no one can tackle something like that on their own. They need a team. You have a team. I'm in awe...And a little jealous :) Tell me your secret!"

This isn't the complete response I sent her but it was my first thought....

My friends are visionaries.

They see what others can't (or choose not to).

My friends are revolutionaries working for a change.

My friends are dreamers, daring to dream.

They are believers and they are go getters.

My friends dare to ask "what if?" and "why?"

My friends don't believe in "impossible".

My friends don't allow themselves (or their dreams) to be put in a box.

My friends give their all to the causes that speak to their cores.

Donya's statement made me so proud! Not proud of myself but proud of my friends. Proud to know such fantastic people. Proud to be one of the "team".

Her statement also really challenged me. I found myself wondering how much responsibility I could take for the fact that I was surrounded by "like minded individuals". Was this something I had intentionally pursued, was it luck or some combination of both?

But out of it all my focus fell on the following statement, "...no one can tackle something like that on their own. They need a team. You have a team." The words, "I have a team" kept repeating in my head.

I have a team! What a relief to know that I'm not in this alone. I have a team! How encouraging to be reminded that there are people who have my back. I have a team! How fantastic it is to know that I am loved. I have a team. Thank God! And then... I have a team.... Do they know how much I love them?

This isn't just about The You Are Project this is about the team of people who support me throughout my life, people who believe in me, pray for me and challenge me. This is about the people who have sacrificed. The people who have been part of making me, me. Without these people, I wouldn't believe in myself. Without these people I wouldn't know how to show myself grace. Without these people, I wouldn't believe in my ability to accomplish the dreams God has placed in my heart. Without these people, my world would be a very dreary place.

If you aren't in the picture, just know it isn't personal.
I LOVE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU!

Thanks for being on my team!

 
QUESTION TIME: Do you know who is on your team? Are you strategic about building your team? Do you choose who you surround yourself with or just let it happen?

How much time do you spend with your team?

Does your team all think and believe exactly like you or do you have team mates that challenge you and push you forward?

What types of people are on your team? How many negative people are on the team compared to positive?Who has the stronger voice?  Who is easier to listen to, why?

How many of your team mates are dreamers? How many are not? Are you thoughtful about which of these people you share your dreams with?

What is the dynamic between the members of your team? Do they work together and encourage or just coexist?

Do your team mates know you believe in them?

Do they let you know they believe in you? Have you taken the time to thank them?

Do you believe in you? If not, how do you ever expect anyone else to believe in you?

When you truly believe in yourself, you challenge others to believe in themselves.

By the way, I believe in you!! Don't forget it.



Wishes and Whys

Sometimes what life throws at us is beyond unfair. Sometimes the lemons are so sour we can't imagine ever being able to make lemonade out of it. Sometimes it seems life has conquered us and not the other way around.

Six months ago one of my best and oldest friends died of an accidental overdose. I realize many could read this and stereotype her into a certain image in their heads. But Brandi is more than a statistic. She was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend and a mother. She can't be defined by the product of her experiences. I will only allow her to be defined by her heart and its actions. Brandi loved, she sacrificed, she dreamed, and she cared.

Brandi and her son, Ethan, the day he was born.

I have found myself asking the question,"why?" a lot over the last six months. "Why did she die? Why, God, didn't you intervene? Why, God, didn't you have a better plan? Why did she take that pill? Why! Why? Why!?" There are so many whys and most of them I pushed aside simply so that I could find a way to continue functioning because there was nothing in me to give to finding answers. There are so many things I don't know and only a few that I do.

I know that I wish I could have told her I loved her just a few more times. I wish I would have hugged her just a little bit longer. I wish I would have called her a thousand more times. I wish I had told her again how incredible she was. I wish I would have known to not take those moments for granted. I wish...I wish...I wish... Tonight I might sit here and write her a birthday letter with everything I wish I had said but it won't do any good because it is too late.

But there's one wish that does still matter and it's everything I wish I could tell you. I wish we would take the focus off ourselves and step out of our bubbles. I wish we would stop worrying what people will think and simply be honest about what we love about each other. I wish we would figure out how to make more time for each other and the memories that will matter. I wish we would hug a little longer. I wish we would tell each other what makes the other so fantastic. I wish we would forgive a little easier and love a lot more. I wish we would see what it is often too late to see.

Go make your friends see what they are worth to the world so you will never have to say, "I wish". And by doing so you will be helping to remove some of the sour from the lemons I'm trying to make into lemonade. And hey, by the way..... I love you! Seriously!

"Life's Like This..."

I have this faint memory from the ninth grade. It was a Thursday in the Fall of 2001. I was in the girls' bathroom of the 800 building at AC Flora High School, a building that I'm pretty sure no longer exists.

This cute, little blond girl started talking to me. We had a class together but I didn't really know her. I was new to the district, new to the town, new to the state and new to the south. Basically, I was just new and I'm sure it was plastered all over me. I was 14 and clueless. Luckily, so was she. After all, who isn't in the ninth grade?

She invited me to go to opening day at the fair that night. I don't remember anything about it but I know we were almost instantly best friends.

One of my favorite memories is the afternoon we got out the video camera and choreographed a music video to Avril Lavigne's "Complicated," complete with costume changes and multiple settings (If I ever find it... I will post it). I swear this song seems to play on the radio much more often since she's been gone and every time I hear it I ache for one more chance to tell her how special she is. But still, I'm thankful to hear it because it gives me the chance to remember her carefree smile and laugh before the world came along with all of its destruction, let downs and heart break.

It's a moment I can look to and rid myself of the haunting memory of the pain that lingered behind each smile in her last few years. A pain that I knew existed and yet failed to find a way to remove.  For a moment, I'm taken back to innocence and ignorance. A time when we still had the chance to achieve every dream we'd ever dreamt. A time when we were responsible for nothing but homework.



*Brandi, saying "Happy Birthday" seems like such a bizarre thing to say today but either way you should know that you aren't forgotten and you are just as loved as ever.*