Sometimes things happen in life that we just don't understand. Last summer, I was so sure that God was leading me to take that trip. Everything came together so easily, I even wrote in my journal one night that the only way it wouldn't happen is if God did something drastic. The next day, I got the phone call about the job up here in Camden. So the plans changed... and just because I felt like God was leading me didn't mean I didn't have questions about how it all happened...
Graduating college and entering the real world is a hard enough transition but moving 600 miles and walking away from The Grove (and my college friends) was the hardest decision. For years, I swore I would never live in Bryson City but then I found The Grove. I will never forget walking in the doors that very first Sunday. I knew I was home. The Grove is not a building, The Grove is a family and a community. The Grove is leaders and people who are willing to challenge you for the sake of your own growth. Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through a lot over the past 24 years. While at The Grove, God gave me sisters, brothers, moms, aunts, grandmothers and dads. He fulfilled each and every one of my needs. He spoke wisdom into my life through Godly woman and men. He gave me friends who supported my decisions and only allowed me to accept the very best in my life and never settle (for anything or anyone). He put people in my life to help heal me, encourage and teach me. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for them. For that reason, I didn't want to leave but I knew from experience (and because a lovely friend pointed it out from her own experience) that if I didn't follow God's lead he would use force to remove me and that would be even more painful.
It was hard to walk away knowing life would go on for everyone, without me. It isn't easy giving up a job you love to someone else (even when you want nothing but success for them), it isn't easy to have three of your closest friends announce their pregnant and you know you won't be there to celebrate with them along the way. It is hard to walk away knowing the best is yet to come for that place (I know it sounds selfish but I am being honest here). But as hard as it was, I had to have faith in what The Grove had given me and step out in it. I had to believe that God knew what he was doing and that the best was yet to come for me as well.
So now, here I am and it is February. Because this is a public forum all I will say is, the job was nothing like it should have been. The past 6 and a half months were an extreme struggle. My poor family watched as I walked around in a zombie-like state attempting to figure out what had gone wrong. No one knew what to do or say. I didn't feel like myself and I didn't act like myself.
Everyone did their best to encourage me and I did my best to trust God that he had a plan. For months, every church service I attended was based on the theme of "surviving trials" and I did my best to withstand the attacks. I would hear that we shouldn't go around defeated and that we should be speaking about how great God was and how he was going to get me through. These were all things I knew and believed in my heart but the "zombie" just wouldn't let it out of me. I felt like I was being suffocated. I wondered things like, "Where are you God", "How come every time I pray it gets harder instead of easier?" and "If I am praying against attacks why are they coming on even stronger?"
I began attending a church called True North and I felt strongly that I was supposed to be there. They even had a Ladies' Comfort Food Night that reminded me so much of The Grove's Ladies' Chocolate Night (and ladies, they rocked it!! They even had guys valet parking our cars and waiting on our tables!). The only problem was the "zombie" was taking so much of my energy I didn't have anything in me to get involved at church like I knew I should. This I think added to the cycle. Here I was a person who was so used to being involved at church, I was used to being the go-to person, the "go-for", the greeter and the kids' girl, I was used to knowing everything that was going on and used to knowing everyone. All of a sudden, I was on the other side of it. I was the guest, I was the person who didn't know what was going on, where I should be or who all the people were. This was draining!! But you know what?
One Sunday morning (in January) I woke up and as I was getting ready for church I had a vision of myself as a plant (and I specifically thought bamboo, although I thought it was weird) that had been sitting in its pot just absorbing and absorbing and now it was time to grow, but not just grow, burst up. It came back to me again during worship that morning and once more when the pastor began discussing John 15 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit..." A few weeks later I heard on the radio that Chinese bamboo trees show no growth for the first four years they are planted but then in one year (the fifth year) they grow 80 feet in one season. It turns out during the first 4 years the tree was developing its underground root system. "Had the tree not developed a strong unseen foundation it could not have sustained its life as it grew." After that Sunday, the themes in messages and my personal readings changed. It was no longer about making it through the trial. I had made it through the trial. The job had not changed but God finally had gotten me above the surface.
Time after time, I said things like, "You know, God, I could have been waking up in Yellowstone today!" or "Why am I not in New Zealand?" But God is funny, have you seen what happened in Australia two weeks ago? There was a cyclone the same week I was supposed to be there. I am not saying I wouldn't have survived but it sure would have made for a bad trip. So here is what I know, God has a purpose for me in New Jersey. I begged him for months to get me out of the situation I was in but also committed to giving my all as long as he wanted me there. Finally, last week, he gave me the go ahead and I resigned. I do not feel like a quitter because I know I gave it everything and I have amazing memories of moments with each child that let me know I did not fail. I know God can and will take care of my children.
As for what's up next in my life...
I have no clue. I know that I have very much enjoyed being around my family. That has been a blessing!! I love getting to love on my three little cousins and feel very strongly that they (especially the girls) need me to be here as an encouraging Christian female in their lives. I have so many family members here that I get to now be part of their lives and I feel like that is part of the ministry God is currently calling me to.
I know that I love The Grove and I miss my family there SO MUCH but I am also at peace now knowing that God has moved us all forward just like I knew he would. For months I was that little bamboo plant and I felt like I was getting no where but I sprouted and shot up. The "zombie" is gone and Catherine is back. I just became co-captain of the greeting team (while the other captain takes some maternity time off) at True North, I am going on a ski trip next week, I am signed up for an Align class (which I am hoping will help me to continue to discover more about True North's vision), I am part of the new event planning team and I am in a reality group. I am just getting started with all of this but it feels so great because these are the things that make me, me!
There are still many things I do not understand and I probably never will but I know God is good and I trust he has my best interests at heart. So I don't really know what is next but I am believing big things for 2011, I know there are life changing miracles ahead because the best is yet to come!
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"Your critics and those who would put you down are always limited by their own perspective, but you can create for yourself a perspective that is void of limitations!"
--Peter J. Daniels
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